Rebuilding intimacy
I received this email from a woman who visited my blog.
We’re in our early 40s, and we’ve been married for a bit over seven years. I am a mother of two and our sex life is practically an annual event. Being a working mum, I am sapped, emotionally and physically, at night. Bed means sleep! My husband’s approaches are often clumsy - just a back-tap when I hit the pillow with exhaustion! I feel guilty rejecting him so many time. I want intimacy, but I need more than five minutes of sex. Help!
So I replied:
Maintaining a satisfying sex-life is like keeping physically fit — you have to be motivated, make time for it and be ready to forgive yourself and your husband fo any lapses or failures in your effort.
It is tough to have a busy job, cooking healthy meals for your family, making sure the kids are up with their school work, playing with your kids, getting the laundry done, the lawn mowed, the garbage out and so many other things that it would take a week to list here.
You’re very much time-poor and probably can’t imagine when you could fit in a yoga class, or a trip to the gym. Stop beating yourself up. What you’re going through, most everyone goes through.
If you don’t “make” time for yourself, your poor diet, lack of exercise and poor sex life will make you feel more tired than you are now. You risk a change in your weight and not having time to keep up your appearance and that all deads to depression and low self esteem. You don’t want to stay on this road.
When you take time for yourself, you’ll feel sexier. You’ll have more energy and you’ll look and feel more alive. I don’t think you’ll have much to worry about in the sex department because you’ll want it more. The way you are now is the same as a sedentary person who contemplates running 10 miles on a treadmill. It ain’t gonna happen in one go.
Start slowly and build on each success. Start talking to your husband. You’re more likely to succeed if you are tackling things together. Repeatedly being turned down for sex has probably bruised his ego — a lot. You say he’s clumsy, but he probably doesn’t know how to approach you in a manner that will be successful. He’s trying to keep himself from feeling hurt. If he doesn’t try too hard then he can blame himself and make excuses. If he does have a breakthrough, it probably becomes a five-minute bang because he’s been waiting a long long time.
Talk about how you both feel and really try to see things from his point of view. If you need help around the house so you can have some “me” time, he’ll get rewarded. You need help and he needs to feel loved. Sex makes him feel loved.
He needs to learn how to touch you in an affectionate, intimate way that doesn’t lead to instant sex. Spend time having fun together. You need to create a space where a sexual spark can kindle. Decide that you are going to have sex more often. It doesn’t have to be late at night or in the bedroom - be a little more spontaneous, and adventurous. Forget the past and move on. Remember that 1/2 of the problem is yours because you never required him to help you out more.
I think you have a great chance to save what appears to be a great relationship. Don’t forget that life is a journey with no destination. It’s all about what you do today and how you feel today.
yr reply is good flirt…for me communication is very important…tell him how we feel..and at the same time pamper ourself wth we want..put an effort to make us feel more sexier…dont make sex like a tedious work..
i’m not good at advicing people but thts just my 2 cents opinion…
Maureen,
That IS a fantastic post! I believe connection should come first but you can’t blame the man if he’s a 5 minutes bang. I tell you that MAN is deprived…
He could plan something romantic, maybe a dirty weekend away from kids, job, household chores. And romance her with clever conversation, flowers, champagne with strawberries and cream.
Hmmm… that might work too.
Anyways… Great Post. I like it.
Giacomo de Seingelt
“If you don’t “make” time for yourself, your poor diet, lack of exercise and poor sex life will make you feel more tired than you are now. You risk a change in your weight and not having time to keep up your appearance and that all deads to depression and low self esteem. You don’t want to stay on this road.”
You should frame this bit of advice…excellent!
I wonder though if it is not that we have totally fallen out of love and what the 40-somethings have described arn’t just the symptoms.
Adrian I think you have said something that’s really important. People do fall out of love just like they fall into it. No blame, no recriminations - it just happens.
The problems come in when one has fallen out of love and the other hasn’t. That’s when the hurt and pain start. I wish I knew an answer for that one. I see it too often.
Part of the attraction for me is the way a guy feels about me. If he falls out of love with me, that directly affects the way I feel about him. Where he may have completely fallen out of love with me, the moment I sense it I’m not too far behind.
“When you take time for yourself, you’ll feel sexier. You’ll have more energy and you’ll look and feel more alive.”
I can’t tell you how true this is. A change of attitude and self-perception led me to loose the 20 pounds I gained while care-taking my grandmother. Bellydancing was only one of several factors, and would have never happened unless I did some initial ‘internal work’. There was a lot of ‘internal work’ I needed and still need to do, due to a short but bad relationship right before I moved in with Grandma. But now, it is very empowering again to feel feminine and sexy - and satisfying, finally - for I now appreciate the necessity for self acceptance.
I feel for folks when I read and hear these types of situations. With my first wife, we slept in separate beds for a year prior to the divorce. I am so fortunate and appreciative with my second wife, I’m making sure the effort and passion is there however it does take a lot of work.
Martin
toolkitforsuccess
Hi Flirty!
Great advice may I add some on this end?
The reason so many people fail to make progress is that they “desire” rather than “intend” on a wished upon result or outcome.
Desire is simply wanting something to happen.
Intention is desire with a plan and course of action.
By using “Concentrated Focus” aka meditation people can set their intentions thus changing their outcome to an intended result.
The power of intention, stripping your limitations, and paying attention to your surroundings have incredible results.
For more info please check out innerarchitect.com my new Personal Development in Human Capital start up.
Thanks and stay flirty and sexy!
dean guadagni aka deansguide aka innerarchitect
A busy couple could easily take 5 minutes out of their work day to write each other a “steamy” email or two . . . or just a loving “thinking of you” email . . . and then if you’re both tired, don’t stress, just enjoy a relaxing massage with each other. Then you’ll see how you catch fire.
You gave some very good advice. To reiterate…take care of yourself…are you working more than 40hrs/week…if so stop it unless it really love it! That leaves plenty of time for exercise, kids, time with spouse…oh don’t forget meditation and deep breathing exercises…with that you need less sleep, do it often enough and you can reduce sleep time to 4-6hrs/night!
But sex that rarely is a pretty good sign divorce is on its way. Perhaps it is time to either get serious about the relationship or do the deed and move on with your lives.
Good Luck,
Michael Skowronski