I’m amazed at what some people tell me happens when they have sex.

“Off white, I think the ceiling should be off white instead of bright white.” If the person you’re having sex with is more interested in the color of the ceiling paint either you’re awfully bad in the sack department or that person needs to be with someone else.

“That feels the same way that it did when my ex did it.” Oh dear, it’s time to kick the ex out of the bedroom cause a second phrase like that would mean certain death at my house.

“Your willy is so cute!” Cute is used for little girly things like smiles or grins but your guy definitely and can I emphasize definitely, doesn’t want to think little and girly about his lower brain.

“Don’t touch me there!” Now I know that we all have different feelings about our own bodies and if you have bits you don’t want explored by your lover, then tell him up front, not while he’s really getting it on. Nothing will end the session on a worse note than that. He (or she) likes to know that all of you is desirable and sexy.

“I had an STD once.” During sex is not the time to discuss what diseases, sexual or otherwise that you might have had in the past. Sure, share everything when you’re having a chat because that’s the fair way to go, but not while you’re doing the horizontal hula.

“Snore.” I’m amazed at how many people, both men and women, tell me that this happens. People try to cram so much into their lives that when they finally do fall into bed, sleep happens. If you find yourself getting really sleepy instead of really horny, turn the lights on, put on some faster music or whisper sweet nothings into your lover’s ear so you won’t fall asleep. Remember, slam, bam, roll over and sleep is not going to get you a lot of sex in the future.

“Yelling the wrong name.” This does happen and fairly frequently to someone who was married for a long time and is newly single. The name just pops out without thinking. It’s a definite mood breaker and often ends up with hurt feelings when no hurt was intended at all.

I’m sure there are lots more and if you can think of some, just leave me a comment!

Before Marriage

Him: Ah… Alas, I can hardly wait!

Her: Do you want me to leave?

Him: NO! Don’t even think about it.

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Of course! Always have and always will!

Her: Have you ever cheated on me?

Him: NO! Why are you even asking?

Her: Will you kiss me?

Him: Every chance I get, baby!

Her: Will you hit me?

Him: Heck no! Are you crazy?!

Her: Can I trust you?

Him: Yes!!

Her: Darling!!!!~

After Marriage

Read it backwards

TORONTO (Reuters Life!) - Single baby boomers are enjoying better sex, are open to threesomes and are not looking to get married, according to a new poll.

Forty-six percent of the 1,000 adults born between 1946 and 1964 who were questioned in the survey said they enjoyed sex more now than they did during their 20s and 30s.

“I think we’re looking at a generation that really sees this time as a great period in life,” said Marina Glogovac, of the online dating site Lavalife which conducted the poll.

“Most of these people are looking to enhance their lives, so they’re not really sitting there and saying I’m desperate, I need to live with someone. Their attitude is, we want to meet interesting people.”

There are an estimated 85 million baby boomers in North America, according to the American Association of Retired People (AARP), comprising nearly 28 percent of the adult population. About 30 percent of boomers are single.

The poll showed that 34 percent would have sex on a first date compared with 17 percent of singles in “generation X”, or people born between 1965 and 1982.

Twenty-five percent of sexually active boomers were open to participating in a threesome.

“This is the generation that has grown up with feminism, swingers, and this whole liberation that came out of the 60s. This is when most of the people came of age,” said Glogovac.

The survey of people in the United States and Canada by the company’s site for older adults, prime.lavalife.com, also found that 47 percent of single boomers were primarily looking for friendship, while 19 percent were seeking a sexual companion.

The percentage of people wanting a serious relationship and those looking to casually date were about the same at 33 and 30 percent respectively.

A mere 10 percent hoped to get married, compared with 60 percent of those aged 30 to 39, Lavalife said.

“This is the group of people that has been around, that has lived,” said Glogovac.

“They usually have a broad range of experiences and relationships. It’s a group that wants to share who they are, and where they’ve been, and what insight they’ve picked up along the way.”

By Solarina Ho

It doesn’t matter who you are or how much money or fame you have, if you look at other women, your wife is gonna crack the shits about it.

I have to admit that I can so see myself acting like this and I have no money or fame. Just proves we’re all alike when we’re not feeling like number one.

Sing it to the tune of I Will Survive!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I’d spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on…
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you’ve brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don’t you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren’t you a brat to think I wouldn’t find you out!?
Don’t you know we’re only joking when we say size don’t count??

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I’m saving all my lovin’ for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!