My girlfriend can’t cook

I received the most amusing email from a friend who met someone on our site. He needed a bit of encouragement at first and now he keeps me informed as to how the relationship is moving along.

Dear FeelingFlirty,

The love of my life (I hope) invited me to her place last Sunday night for dinner. She was going to cook veal with pasta - some Greek dish. The way she described it, I was going to be in foodie heaven and I couldn’t wait.

I got all cleaned up and headed over to her place and then remembered your advice, and stopped off for just one red rose. (Thanks for that, it was a winner!)

When I got to her apartment I could smell something wonderful and I could feel saliva filling my mouth like a bucketful of water in an empty hole. There she was all cute and wearing an apron and I had stars in my eyes. Ahhh…

We had a drinkie or two and she made some appetizers that she bought frozen and popped in the oven. Nothing exciting about any of these. I’m not impressed by anything foodwise that I can do for myself.

Then the main course was on the table and it looked impressive. The meat was in big chunks and the sauce was thick and red and the pasta looked perfectly cooked.

I took a bite. I needed a fucking fire hose.

“What did you put in the sauce, gunpowder?”

I thought I had melted my lips off, I swear to God.

“Does that mean you won’t eat it after I spent all day cooking?” she asked.

I took a second or two to answer because I had huge expectations of getting laid later but even that wasn’t worth losing my lips, gums and stomach. (Not to mention my asshole tomorrow.)

“Sweetheart, I think I’m just not made for Greek food. It must be my American heritage or something, it just doesn’t set well with me,” I said quietly.

“Oh, what can I get for you instead?”

I told her I could probably whip up some scrambled eggs for myself because I wasn’t really hungry. I couldn’t let her do it. Scrambled eggs a la bonfire coming right up.

I think I’m really falling for her but I can’t go through life not eating, so any suggestions?

Megaman