It’s not Me, it’s YOU!

There’s a new book out by Bettina Arndt titled The Sex Diaries. In the book, Arndt publishes the results of a survey of 98 Australian couples about sex. She goes on and on about how women should put out more often, even if they don’t want to because that’s just part of the deal when you agree to be in a relationship with someone.

Ok, I do agree with her that if you love someone, you want to have sex with them both as a way to express your love and maintain that emotional connection that you get with sexual intimacy. But, and it’s a huge but, what if you aren’t turned on by the man you’re with any longer?

I’ve often talked about women who work a demanding job who leave work at 5:30 and dash to pick up the littlies at daycare and then stop at the supermarket to get things for dinner, go home and start cooking. While she’s cooking she looks after the kids – listening to the stories about their day, kissing the booboos, putting in a load of wash, emptying the dishwasher and setting the table. Too often, this is where the husband comes home from his hard day and he turns on the news. Dinner gets put on the table, he eats and then he goes back to the TV or the computer while the wife cleans up, helps the kids with homework, takes the clothes out of the washer and puts them in the dryer, gets the kids bathed and put to bed. She carries the dirty clothes back to the laundry room and notices the clock. It’s past 9pm and she’s been on the go since before 7am. She mops the kitchen floor, feeds the dog, changes the cat’s litter box and picks up all the things that the kids left out.

She falls into bed exhausted only to find that her husband has been online watching sexy young women showing themselves off and he’s ready for a hot time in the sack – all primed. Now in her book, Arndt says that my scenario just isn’t true. She says that women don’t work as many hours outside the home as men do and that they should be glad to pick up the slack at home and pretty much should be ready for sex whenever their man crooks his finger.

I will continue to say that the sexiest man is the one who wears an apron. I’m not talking about a sissy kind of man but one who realizes that doing his share at home isn’t waiting for his wife to ask for his help. If they both have jobs outside the home, why is it always the woman who has to ask for help. Why can’t a man see that the dishwasher needs emptying or the carpet needs vacuuming and just do it?

Don’t get me wrong, not all men are like this. There are lots and lots of men who DO help out but I talk to way too many women who are always exhausted and wish they had more support at home. They’re too tired to feel sexy. I’m sure there are men who feel like THEY do all the work while their wives sit around and eat chocolates and I’m sure they’re right too.

Next, let’s talk about general sex appeal. Fellas, if you don’t want your wife or partner to say, “it’s not me, it’s you”, listen up. There’s nothing sexy about a man who hasn’t showered, smells a bit stale and has a five o’clock shadow. If you’re coming to bed after viewing hot young chicks, remember that your wife hasn’t. She’s been doing chores and it’s going to take a bit of foreplay to get her up to speed. You might be ready for a quickie but if she’s not turned on, sex will be painful. Too many experiences of painful sex and she’s going to shut down. I know. I was there in my previous life about 30 years ago.

To Bettina Arndt, I think your 98 couples don’t speak for everyone or maybe it was your sex diaries. Anyone can get the results they’re looking for if they offer limited options as answers for multiple choice questions, so maybe we should be saying it’s not US, it’s you!