I want a better sex life

That was the subject line in an email I received last night. The mail came from a man who has been a member at SexyAds.com for a couple of years. Here’s his mail and then my reply.

Hi,

I don’t know if you can help me but tonight I talked with a few people in chat who suggested that maybe you could give me some good advice. I’ve been married for 16 years and for the past 7 years we haven’t had more than what I call holiday sex. We have sex on my birthday, New Year’s Eve and the first night we’re away on vacation. Other than that, there is always an excuse. She’s too tired. Sex hurts. The kids might hear us. She has a cold. Her back aches. It’s always something. When I say that it’s okay if we don’t have sex but could she hold me and touch me, I get the movie star hug with air kisses on each cheek.

I’m not an old man. I shower every day. I’m not rude. I’m respectful. But shit - I’ve got needs and they aren’t being met at home. I love my wife. She’s my best friend and we’ve been together for a long time. We have 2 terrific kids and I’m not ready to walk away from them just because I can’t get sex. I have to admit that I’m thinking about it. I find myself day dreaming about sexual encounters with women I see on the street or at work.

So, do you have advice for someone like me?

I have received a few letters like this over the years and every time I can almost feel his pain. It’s not always the man’s fault but I think there are a few things a man can do to improve his sexual life.

Hi,

Yes, I think I can offer you some ideas that might make a big difference to increase intimacy in your relationship. First of all, you can never change another person and that includes your wife. You can only change yourself, which will change the situation. It always changes the situation when you change yourself. What remains to be seen is if your wife will react to the changed situation. You can only try.

How to change yourself? There are a few things that can make a difference. First of all, women relate to the spoken word. We all talk with our friends but we’d rather talk with our husbands. The problem is that often they hear “blah blah blah shoes blah blah $97 blah blah kids blah blah blah chicken.” Out of a conversation like that my husband might understand that I bought a pair of shoes for $97, the kids called and we’re having chicken for dinner. He does respect me by at least pretending to listen but I would prefer that he commented once in a while.

Start out with a conversation about everything and nothing. Sometime during the conversation, catch a glimpse of the woman you married and tell her how glad you are that she’s in your life and that she still trips your trigger. Do nothing else. Don’t try to get her to have sex with you. Just let that comment sink in.

On another day, help her clear up the dishes after dinner and while you’re helping, give her a hug. Just a loving hug and a peck on the cheek. You’re doing two things here. You’re showing that you respect the work she does by helping and you’re showing your love in a non-sexual way. She needs to feel loved in order to feel sexy. Remember, no push for sex.

After a few days of this, ask her out on a date. I know it sounds funny, but you’re reaching for that sexy woman you married. She’s still in there but she’s rusty.

Take her to dinner, to a movie, to the theatre or a concert, but make sure you have everything ready for sex when you get home. Get some massage oil, bath oil, sex toys or whatever you think she’d enjoy as a long foreplay. This is going to be all about her and if you’re lucky, it will be about you too.

Try not to place blame for the lack of sex on her. This is a relationship and just as you wouldn’t blame her for having a cold and ruining a vacation, don’t blame her because her sex drive is sick.

Give it a go and write back and let us know how it went, ok?