They’d exchanged photos so they both knew what to expect — or maybe not.

She went to the restaurant where they were supposed to meet and she watched and watched for her friend to arrive.  She thought she’d been stood up and then a man walked in looking nothing like the photo and walked up to her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.

She was floored!  He was easily 25 years older than the photo, had far fewer teeth than are required for a full meal and his command of the Queen’s English was dismal.

You’re wondering how she handled it, right? She did what any other woman would do.  She went to the ladies’ room and texted her friends and had a hilarious laugh at this poor man’s expense.  Underneath it all though, she was bitterly disappointed that she’d put heaps of effort into this friendship and he turned out to be a liar.

Folks, while looks are important in every relationship, what you look like might be exactly what someone else is seeking. (all except the teeth thing.. most people expect teeth in their date’s mouth, sorry.)

I know how stressful it is if you don’t have a lot of confidence in your looks. I went 10,000 miles for my first date with Jayce and I was too afraid to send him my photo because I didn’t want him to barf.  I knew if he met me he’d love me, (no problem with ego here) and he did.

The same thing can happen to you.  More people hold honesty and respect as more important than looks –  but what is considered attractive is different for all of us.  Nobody can explain attraction but we know what we like when we see it.

Be fit at any size. You don’t have to be slender to be fit. Be able to walk up a flight of stairs without losing your breath. Let your date know that IF you make it to bed that you’re not going to huff and puff and make it all seem like work.

Be clean. There are some people who think bathing is only required on Saturday night. If any of you are here at SexyAds – you’re wrong. 3 day old body odour is unacceptable and will make you undateable. (is that a word?)

Get a clue. Be able to carry on a conversation about something. You don’t have to know everything but know something to talk about. Pick up random tidbits of information on Wikipedia or read a book you can talk about, check the CNN website before your date. When the conversation has a lull in it, that’s when you pop in your profound thoughts. You only want to have sex with them and not discuss the world situation? Honey, nobody can fuck non-stop from door to door. There’s gotta be some travel time and getting undressed time and getting dressed again time.

Be kind. I know there’s the word sex in the name on the door but that is no excuse to leave your manners on the rug outside. Treat people with respect. Sure you might want a dynamo in the bedroom but treat your date with some class and you’ll be amazed at the results you’ll get.

Dating requires effort and a bit of follow-through. You’ve got to make the contacts and go through whatever it takes to make yourself attractive enough to date. I’m not talking about looks here.. your whole person has to attract someone to date. If you’re a Grumpy Gus or a Ditzy Dolly – you’ve got a bit of work to do but it’s all possible!

We see this every day at SexyAds and we remember what it was like for us too. We were 10,000 miles apart and the time was really wacky. He would stay up half the night to chat with me and I’d get up at the buttcrack of dawn to make sure I talked with him in case he went to bed early. There was nothing we wouldn’t have done to make contact.

Are long distance relationships worth all that? Probably not for everyone. You have to put off the cuddles, kisses, hugs and more until you’re physically in the same space and some won’t do that. For us they were. WE knew there was something special about the other that we didn’t want to lose. So for those of you languishing in a bubble bath with your new love, we spent money on the phone and felt just as close. Because of the internet and phone, we never felt loneliness or despair. There was PLENTY of longing though. We kept saying we just wanted to touch and for the first week that’s all we did!

There does come a time where you sit on the threshold of an online sweetie and a commitment to a person a long distance away. Is this person worth all this effort? Is this person going to cheat on you? Is this person really who they say they are in the first place? We knew.. inside, we knew. The odds are not in favor of a long distance relationship (especially one of that distance) working out but we knew we’d beat those odds.

I’ll admit there were times that it seemed all too hard. The flat screen can make it difficult to tell when the other person is being sarcastic or funny and sometimes I’d hit the ceiling assuming he said something shitty when he meant nothing at all. There were the times when we were supposed to meet and he didn’t show – had he moved on? Was he looking for someone else? I would always realize that I trusted him and he’d show up. It doesn’t matter what kind of love you have – it’s not always easy. You might be arguing over which way the toilet paper should be hung or that you really hate broccoli and it seems to always be on the menu. People in a long distance relationship have different issues but the feelings you have are real – and this relationship can bring you joy.

“Every night we watch tv and I rub her feet,” he said.

“I bring home a surprise for her several times a week and I’m always thinking of ways I can show her that I care,” so why doesn’t she reciprocate?

The sad fact is that she probably isn’t as much in love as he is. She might be seeing all the things he’s doing as smothering when he sees them as romantic gestures. It was tough to write to him and tell him that if she’s not in the relationship giving as much as she’s receiving, he’s wasting his time with this woman.

Why?

Because if he accepts this behavior from her, it’s only going to get worse and then he’s going to feel taken for granted and grow ever more resentful of her as time passes. I can’t know but my guess is that the first guy who comes along that brings out urges to show him that she cares – she’ll jump ship and leave this guy after all he’s done to build a relationship with her.

Being in a married relationship with children is one thing and that always brings special problems but if you aren’t married and have no children together, why be a doormat? I suggested that he dust himself off and confront her about his feelings and if he didn’t feel 100% confident that she was fully committed to him – it’s time to move on.

What would your advice have been?

1. Keep it Simple: Use light-hearted emails with an upbeat tone to attract dates online. A 40ish woman told me, “Make your responses simple and use easy questions in your emails if you want to flirt with me.” There is no need for long emails either. A guy recently told me, “I can tell if I am interested in 3-4 sentences.”

2. Make humor your friend: A guy from Missouri told me, “I look at the woman’s profile and ad and then I can tell what kind of humor to put in my reply. If she’s baring her breasts in her photo or she’s got a sexy ad, then my humor is subltly sexy. If she’s got a vanilla photo or ad, then I respond accordingly but I always put something funny in my mail. If I can make her laugh in my mail, I have a better chance at a reply. Humor is definitely sexy and so is confidence. When I write emails I KNOW I’m worth a reply. I think it shows through.”

3. Hand out Compliments: One of the easiest and best ways to flirt online is to extend a sincere compliment. One woman from Florida said, “I always try to say something simple, but sincere.” You might say to someone, “You look terrific in red.” She added, “Be sincere and don’t throw out phony crap, a guy can see that a mile away.” Same thing goes for men writing to women.

Need some ideas for initial emails?

1. Where did you get that fantastic smile?
2. What is your favorite ice cream?
3. What is one thing you like to do on a Sunday with a date for fun?
4. What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
5. If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
6. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
7. What is your favorite romantic comedy movie?
8. How long have you been sailing? (ask about something in their profile).
9. Wow, is that your golden retriever, he’s really cute? (compliment something in their photograph).
10. When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)

To begin our adventure in the glorious world of flirting, imagine this. There are like a hundred people in the room but you lock eyes with a certain someone. So you stop and stare. In an instant, your eyes are locked in a game of endless gazing If you lock eyes with someone for more than once, then it’s not just an accident anymore. When someone meets your eyes for two or three times, that person is most definitely trying to get your attention. This is among the basic types of flirting signals. Of course, this is all done in subtlety. You have to somehow keep your cool and composure. Otherwise, it just might be a person who thinks you’re a familiar face.

Many types of flirting signals have something to do with where the eyes land. For example, when a person keeps looking at your lips, you either have some spinach hanging from them or that person wants to kiss you. So you better think fast and figure out what that gaze means AND decide if you want to be kissed by this person. I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to decide that question for yourself!

If you’re feeling a bit bold tonight, why not go out and test these signals out? After all, it never hurts to strike while the iron is hot. Go out and let the inner flirt in you shine.

The next word that is most often misspelled is tongue. Lots of you like that word and it comes out as tounge. Now if you’re trying to impress someone with the abilities that your tongue has, she’s going to miss the sizzle and wonder about the word. The correct spelling is tongue. I know it’s a stupid way to spell it. It should be tung but it’s not.

Most people can read through typo. It’s a new language for most of us. Don’t sweat it; just remember that the best first impression you can make will reap benefits for you.

1. Keep up with what’s going on in the world. No, you don’t have to become a CNN whore and really you’re better off NOT doing that. Notice that news is all about headlines and that’s where we’re headed with this tip. You need to know more than the headline but not about EVERY news article. If you find something in the news that interests you, learn more about it. The important thing is: Know something that is going on. Get informed. Get on the Internet and learn about it. If there is a huge news story in your area, you’d better be able to talk about it or you’re going to look like a dufus.

2. Form an opinion about something and take a stance. Dont waver and stick to your guns. Kerry didnt win the 2004 election because the Bush campaign painted him as a flip-flopper. Whether you or I agree with that or not is beside the point. The point is if you go out with someone and then change your tune to match theirs, they wont trust you. They will see you as someone who pads what they say to make others feel good. You don’t want to be this person.

People have more respect for someone who stands up for what they believe in, even if they disagree. It shows character.

3. Read at least one good book. I dont care what the book is although a comic book probably doesn’t count.

If you’re having trouble deciding what to read, there is the NY Times Bestseller List, Amazon Bestseller, Barnes and Noble Bestseller, Time Magazines Top 100 Books of all time, UKs The Guardians Top 100 Novels of all time.

Simply choose one really great book that you like, no matter the subject. Read it and really get into it. If you choose a book on a subject that interests you, you’ll enjoy every minute you spend with that book. Once you’re finished, think about what you liked about the book and why you think you liked it. Was there anything in the author’s style of writing that impressed you? You’ve now got an answer if your date asks what book you’ve read lately.

4. Have at least one movie you can talk about. This doesn’t mean your favorite movie. It is hard to think of a favorite movie on the spot for most people, so decide ahead of time what your favorite movie is today. I dont know why people want to know, but they often ask and it is good to be prepared. Most people have a certain genre that they like more than others, but often dont have one that comes to mind in five seconds.

You could choose box office numbers for a favorite movie but for dating I would recommend a quality movie. It will show your intellectual side. Need to be reminded of movie tities? A good site is IMDB Internet Movie Database. Along with some great information on almost every movie ever made, you can find out the producer, director, editor and more of any movie just by putting in the title.

6. Smile. This is so important. Even if you are not attracted to the person right away, you are going to be spending some time with them today so it might as well be pleasant. You might find that you can continue as friends or you may get to like them after spending a little time with them. Theres no benefit in being a jerk by looking like you ate a lemon before they arrived.

7. Look them in the eyes. Do not look elsewhere while you are talking to them. People dont trust people that dont look them in the eyes when talking to them. Eye contact shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say.

8. Say their name when you meet. Hi Rick, I’m Helen.” People like to hear their names and it will register with their subconscious that you know it. While engaged in conversation, use it often. That doesnt mean every sentence, but pepper it throughout the conversation here and there. Rick, can you please pass me the salt. Oh, Helen, look at that amazing architecture.

9. Shake hands when you meet. This is the time to say their name when you introduce yourself, look them in the eyes and smile. Don’t use a death grip; you aren’t trying to impress a business associate. Offering your hand validates the other person and let’s them know that you consider them your equal.

10. Always compliment them on their appearance, even if its not an outfit you would have chosen. They took the time to go through their closet to find an outfit just for you, so you should notice that. You can always find something nice to say, even if you think the outfit is hideous. Maybe it’s a nice color and you could say, that color looks great on you! You dont have to say that you like the outfit. Even if they look pretty ordinary, you can find one thing that you can say something nice about. Wow, you have beautiful eyes. or Your hair looks great. Most importantly, make sure you smile when you give a compliment.

11. Things to talk about. We all know how it feels to have big pauses in a conversation and you feel like you need to say something just to fill the void, but what? A first date isn’t the place to tell someone that your brother just got sent up for rape or that the IRS is about to seize all your assets for non payment of taxes. Keep your first date fun. If there is interest and you want to keep seeing this person, then you should share all the icky bits in your closet.

Here are some topics to keep in mind to keep any conversation going.

Current Events: Don’t get serious on this one, this topic is for quirky news. On the first date stay away from politics, religion, abortion, etc.

Family: Ask about their life growing up at home. How many kids in the family, things they did for fun, etc.

History: What school they went to, where they grew up, where they have lived, etc.

Work: What they do, people at work, etc.

Holidays: If it is nearing a holiday, ask what their plans are. Are they going out of town, hosting the family get together, etc?

Hobbies and sports: If they mention something in their profile about leisure activities, ask about it.. So you mentioned you like softball, do you play on a league? Follow up with a question that cant be answered with a yes or no.

Architecture: If you are walking outside, be observant, point out architecture and start a discussion on it.

Nature: You can find beauty everywhere you look. Mention the trees, plants, and flowers around you. Notice the color. Be observant.

That’s it. If you keep these points in mind, you’ll be a favorite date of everyone you meet.

Though personality and looks definitely play a part in initial attraction because nobody has figured out how to get a scratch & sniff computer monitor. Smell may play a larger role than we suspect in whether we decide to meet again.. That inexplicable chemistry you feel with someone could be a subconscious scent drawing you to him or her.

The first study to indicate that chemical signals play a role in attraction was conducted by Claud Wedekind over a decade ago. Forty-four men wore the same T-shirt for three days. They refrained from deodorants and scented soaps so they wouldnt interfere with their natural smell. Women then sniffed the shirts and indicated which ones smelled the best to them. By comparing the DNA of the women and men, the researchers found that women didnt just choose their favorite scent randomly. They preferred the scent of man whose major histocompatibility complex (MHC)a series of genes involved in our immune systemwas most different from their own.

The women in this study also reported liking the scents that reminded them of their current or previous boyfriends, showing that MHC attraction is consistent. And because MHC profiles differ greatly from one person to the next, there is no universally good smell. One womans Romeo was another womans raunchy.

An interesting exception to the MHC attraction is for women taking the pill. Researchers found that pill-takers responded in almost the exact opposite manner than would be expected. Because the pill tricks your body into thinking it is pregnant, it chemically alters your sense of attraction. Instead of finding the scent of genetically dissimilar men attractive, women on the pill found the scent of men with MHCs similar to their own to be attractive.

This may be because when a woman is pregnant, she isnt looking for a new mate, and may benefit from being around kin, or those with a similar genetic make-up. But, because scent can be such a powerful indicator of a mate that is biologically compatible, what does this mean for women on the pill? Research has shown that picking a mate whose MHC is too similar to your own can result in higher rates of miscarriage and relationship difficulties like infidelity. Are contraceptive takers sabotaging their innate ability to pick a proper mate? If you’re on the pill and you keep picking losers.. maybe you’re on to something!

I suppose this explains why so many men are willing to spend money buying internet models’ worn panties.

At the end of the day our noses may help us find the mate most suited to us, but its ultimately up to our minds to decide whether or not we like what weve sniffed out.

I know women value honesty very deeply, but in order to get men to be honest, women must be willing to be less reactionary and more understanding. For example, if the average man were to tell a woman about his prior sexual exploits she would undoubtedly be shocked and think he was some kind of pervert. Hence, men dont usually tell these things to women.

Typically women are known to be more understanding. In some cases women are indeed more understanding, but it all depends on what they are being told. Going further, while women tend to be reactionary when men tell them what they dont want to hear, they usually will accept these shocking revelations anyway because when women fall in love, they have a very difficult time letting go of men no matter what faults they find.

So ladies, you heard it here first (maybe). Dont be so judgemental and your man will be more honest.