Did you learn about sex from a porn movie?
Unless you’re a swinger, how did you learn sexual technique and etiquette? From a porn movie or 100 perhaps?
I thought so. Me too.
With nearly everything else in life, there’s a handbook to tell you how to be really good at things but with sex, you’re pretty much on your own — except for those videos. I think porn videos have a lot to answer for in the way they portray women and real sex.
For instance:
* All women must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 but then they’re MILFs.
* They must have platinum blond hair and fake boobs (over the size of DD).
* Women are all either bi or lesbian.
* Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
* As soon as any sexual activity starts every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie is not sexy) must be removed. Ok, one exception — high heels must be worn throughout the entire sexual experience.
* All men must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on especially during the good bits.
* If there is a black male involved he will be hung like a horse.
* Upon orgasm, men must ejaculate at least 27 pints
* Extremely beautiful women really want to have sex with a 67 year old man
* During sex a woman must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
* Only overweight men who also have a severe case of gut overhang like to have sex
* Women must always moan from pleasure while giving another man oral sex.
* Women usually apologize to a man by giving him a blowjob.
* All women can have an orgasm by just taking off their clothes.
* One sexual position or act is not good enough. Four different positions in a couple of minutes is what EVERYONE else does
* Men are never impotent.
* When performing oral sex on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
* Women who get caught masturbating by a strange man will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
* Women are indifferent as to where a man’s ejaculate lands
* Women always moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
* Women always orgasm when men do.
* Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they orgasm.
* Women always make Oooohhh Ahhhhh noises when they have sex.
* Asian men don’t exist, but their chicks are HOT!
* Nurses tend to give blow jobs as an exam method.
* Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
* Children do not exist
* Women never have headaches… or periods.
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they unzip a man’s fly and find a penis there.
* Every woman on the planet is bi
* Pubic hair is just a myth.
* If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex with you
* There are no such things as natural finger nails.
* The man always decides on the position, no objections.
Real people have real sex. Women have periods. Some women do not want to be spanked. Some couples can have sex without swearing. Some women don’t have sex with everyone who comes to the door. If you’ve been treating your sex life like you see in a porno movie, it’s time for a re-think.
Hilarious post!! Thanks for sharing ~ and good point about where DID we all learn??!! LOL!
LOL! Yeah ure rite, if a person’s sex life is like a porn movie, then it’s very sad.. Find love people!
Such a great post! Hmmm….ya know I never thought about learning about sex this way .. pretty sure that’s how I learned too!
HAHAH, women use head to apologize.
Nice article! It’s so funny to pretend to be in a porno sometimes…
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I do like to get spanked …. and i do swear during sex…. if the right guy is provided.
Pubic hair is just a myth!! Indeed… Nice article
Porn movie also have positive side: we can learn new skill and knowledge to be used later
ha ha ha, teen women use head to apologize.
Nice article, interesting rules )))))
Ha, I’m still waiting to meet a girl with those big, fake, hard boobs! And where is the love making? They may as well use machines these girls, coz all I ever see is guys working like pneumatic drills!
This is my favorite ….* Children do not exist.