Why do YOU have sex? In a study last year by two doctors, Cindy Meston and David Buss, who identified 237 reasons adult Americans gave as the reasons they had sexual intercourse. The questionnaire began, “I have had sex in the past because…” and they were asked to assign a number 1 through 5 as the rating. 1 being not in my experience and 5 being all of my sexual experiences.

How many of these would you use as a reason why you have sex?

1. I was “in the heat of the moment.”
2. It just happened.
3. I was bored.
4. It just seemed like “the thing to do.”
5. Someone dared me.
6. I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy).
7. I wanted to feel closer to God.
8. I wanted to gain acceptance from friends.
9. It’s exciting, adventurous.
10. I wanted to make up after a fight.
11. I wanted to get rid of aggression.
12. I was under the influence of drugs.
13. I wanted to try to get a better mate than my current mate.
14. I wanted to express my love for the person.
15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
16. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
17. I felt like I owed it to the person.
18. I was attracted to the person.
19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
21. It feels good.
22. My partner kept insisting.
23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.
24. I was physically forced to.
25. I was verbally coerced into it.
26. I wanted the person to love me.
27. I wanted to have a child.
28. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
29. I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
30. I was married and you’re supposed to.
31. I was tired of being a virgin.
32. I was “horny.”
33. I wanted to feel loved.
34. I was feeling lonely.
35. Everyone else was having sex.
36. I wanted the attention.
37. It was easier to “go all the way” than to stop.
38. I wanted to ensure the relationship was “committed.”
39. I was competing with someone else to “get the person.”
40. I wanted to “gain control” of the person.
41. I was curious about what the person was like in bed.
42. I was curious about sex.
43. I wanted to feel attractive.
44. I wanted to please my partner.
45. I wanted to display submission.
46. I wanted to release anxiety/stress
47. I didn’t know how to say “no.”
48. I felt like it was my duty.
49. I wanted to end the relationship.
50. My friends pressured me into it.
51. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
52. I wanted the experience.
53. I felt obligated to.
54. It’s fun.
55. I wanted to get even with someone (i.e., revenge).
56. I wanted to be popular.
57. It would get me gifts.
58. I wanted to act out a fantasy.
59. I hadn’t had sex for a while.
60. The person was “available.”
61. I didn’t want to “lose” the person.
62. I thought it would help “trap” a new partner.
63. I wanted to capture someone else’s mate.
64. I felt sorry for the person.
65. I wanted to feel powerful.
66. I wanted to “possess” the person.
67. I wanted to release tension.
68. I wanted to feel good about myself.
69. I was slumming.
70. I felt rebellious.
71. I wanted to intensify my relationship.
72. It seemed like the natural next step in my relationship.
73. I wanted to be nice.
74. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
75. I wanted to feel young.
76. I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me.
77. I wanted him/her to stop bugging me about sex.
78. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
79. I wanted the person to feel good about himself/herself.
80. I didn’t want to disappoint the person.
81. I was trying to “get over” an earlier person/relationship.
82. I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation.
83. I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.
84. I felt guilty.
85. My hormones were out of control.
86. It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.
87. It became a habit.
88. I wanted to keep my partner happy.
89. I had no self-control.
90. I wanted to communicate at a “deeper” level.
91. I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t have sex with him/her.
92. I was curious about my sexual abilities.
93. I wanted a “spiritual” experience.
94. It was just part of the relationship “routine.”
95. I wanted to lose my inhibitions.
96. I got “carried away.”
97. I needed another “notch on my belt.”
98. The person demanded that I have sex with him/her.
99. The opportunity presented itself.
100. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g., on marijuana or some other drug).
101. It’s considered “taboo” by society.
102. I wanted to increase the number of sex partners I had experienced.
103. The person was too “hot” (sexy) to resist.
104. I thought it would relax me.
105. I thought it would make me feel healthy.
106. I wanted to experiment with new experiences.
107. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.
108. I thought it would help me to fall asleep.
109. I could brag to other people about my sexual experience.
110. It would allow me to “get sex out of my system” so that I could focus on other things.
111. I wanted to decrease my partner’s desire to have sex with someone else.
112. It would damage my reputation if I said “no.”
113. The other person was too physically attractive to resist.
114. I wanted to celebrate something.
115. I was seduced.
116. I wanted to make the person feel better about herself/himself.
117. I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex.
118. I wanted to see whether sex with a different partner would feel different or better.
119. I was mad at my partner, so I had sex with someone else.
120. I wanted to fulfill a previous promise to my partner.
121. It was expected of me.
122. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
123. I wanted the pure pleasure.
124. I wanted to dominate the other person.
125. I wanted to make a conquest.
126. I’m addicted to sex.
127. It was a favor to someone.
128. I wanted to be used or degraded.
129. Someone offered me money to do it.
130. I was drunk.
131. It seemed like good exercise.
132. I was pressured into doing it.
133. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.
134. I was frustrated and needed relief.
135. It was a romantic setting.
136. I felt insecure.
137. My regular partner is boring, so I had sex with someone else.
138. I was on the “rebound” from another relationship.
139. I wanted to boost my self-esteem
140. I wanted to get my partner to stay with me.
141. Because of a bet.
142. It was a special occasion.
143. It was the next step in the relationship.
144. I wanted to get a special favor from someone.
145. I wanted to get back at my partner for having cheated on me.
146. I wanted to enhance my reputation.
147. I wanted to keep warm.
148. I wanted to punish myself.
149. I wanted to break up a rival’s relationship by having sex with his/her partner.
150. I wanted to stop my partner’s nagging.
151. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
152. I wanted to brag to friends about my conquests.
153. I wanted to improve my sexual skills.
154. I wanted to get a job.
155. I wanted to get a raise.
156. I wanted to get a promotion.
157. I wanted to satisfy a compulsion.
158. I wanted to make money.
159. I wanted to keep my partner satisfied.
160. I wanted to change the topic of conversation.
161. I wanted to get out of doing something.
162. I wanted to test my compatibility with a new partner.
163. I wanted to get a partner to express love.
164. I wanted to put passion back into my relationship.
165. I wanted to prevent a breakup.
166. I wanted to become one with another person.
167. I wanted to get a favor from someone.
168. I wanted to breakup my relationship.
169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease (e.g., herpes, AIDS).
170. I wanted to breakup another’s relationship.
171. I wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
172. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself.
173. I wanted to get rid of a headache.
174. I was afraid to say “no” due to the possibility of physical harm.
175. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
176. I wanted to burn calories.
177. I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner.
178. I wanted to hurt an enemy.
179. I wanted to feel older.
180. It is my genetic imperative.
181. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
182. I wanted to become more focused on work – sexual thoughts are distracting.
183. I wanted to say “I’ve missed you.”
184. I wanted to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or special occasion.
185. I wanted to say “I’m sorry.”
186. I wanted to return a favor.
187. I wanted to say “Thank You.”
188. I wanted to welcome someone home.
189. I wanted to say “goodbye.”
190. I wanted to defy my parents.
191. I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.
192. I wanted to relieve “blue balls.”
193. I wanted to get the most out of life.
194. I wanted to feel feminine.
195. I wanted to feel masculine.
196. I am a sex addict.
197. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.
198. I thought it would boost my social status.
199. The person had a lot of money.
200. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
201. The person was a good dancer.
202. Someone had told me that this person was good in bed.
203. The person had beautiful eyes.
204. The person made me feel sexy.
205. An erotic movie had turned me on.
206. The person had taken me out to an expensive dinner.
207. The person was a good kisser.
208. The person had bought me jewelry.
209. The person had a great sense of humor.
210. The person seemed self-confident.
211. The person really desired me.
212. The person was really desired by others.
213. I wanted to gain access to that person’s friend.
214. I felt jealous.
215. The person flattered me.
216. I wanted to see if I could get the other person into bed.
217. The person had a desirable body.
218. I had not had sex in a long time.
219. The person smelled nice.
220. The person had an attractive face.
221. I saw the person naked and could not resist.
222. I was turned on by the sexual conversation.
223. The person was intelligent.
224. The person caressed me.
225. The person wore revealing clothes.
226. The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of him/her.
227. I knew the person was usually “out of my league.”
228. The person was mysterious.
229. I realized I was in love.
230. I wanted to forget about my problems.
231. I wanted to reproduce.
232. I/she was ovulating.
233. I wanted my partner to notice me.
234. I wanted to help my partner forget about his/her problems.
235. I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.
236. I wanted to submit to my partner.
237. I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.

I think it’s a fascinating read. Some of these reasons people have sex are frankly off the planet. There are a few predatory reasons that make me feel uncomfortable and a few that make me feel that all’s right with the world.

I’d never really thought about why I had sex. I just had sex. Now will I always think about this list every time I have sex? Only time will tell.

Unless you’re a swinger, how did you learn sexual technique and etiquette? From a porn movie or 100 perhaps?

I thought so. Me too.

With nearly everything else in life, there’s a handbook to tell you how to be really good at things but with sex, you’re pretty much on your own — except for those videos. I think porn videos have a lot to answer for in the way they portray women and real sex.

For instance:

* All women must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 but then they’re MILFs.
* They must have platinum blond hair and fake boobs (over the size of DD).
* Women are all either bi or lesbian.
* Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
* As soon as any sexual activity starts every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie is not sexy) must be removed. Ok, one exception — high heels must be worn throughout the entire sexual experience.
* All men must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on especially during the good bits.
* If there is a black male involved he will be hung like a horse.
* Upon orgasm, men must ejaculate at least 27 pints
* Extremely beautiful women really want to have sex with a 67 year old man
* During sex a woman must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
* Only overweight men who also have a severe case of gut overhang like to have sex
* Women must always moan from pleasure while giving another man oral sex.
* Women usually apologize to a man by giving him a blowjob.
* All women can have an orgasm by just taking off their clothes.
* One sexual position or act is not good enough. Four different positions in a couple of minutes is what EVERYONE else does
* Men are never impotent.
* When performing oral sex on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
* Women who get caught masturbating by a strange man will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
* Women are indifferent as to where a man’s ejaculate lands
* Women always moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
* Women always orgasm when men do.
* Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they orgasm.
* Women always make Oooohhh Ahhhhh noises when they have sex.
* Asian men don’t exist, but their chicks are HOT!
* Nurses tend to give blow jobs as an exam method.
* Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
* Children do not exist
* Women never have headaches… or periods.
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they unzip a man’s fly and find a penis there.
* Every woman on the planet is bi
* Pubic hair is just a myth.
* If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex with you
* There are no such things as natural finger nails.
* The man always decides on the position, no objections.

Real people have real sex. Women have periods. Some women do not want to be spanked. Some couples can have sex without swearing. Some women don’t have sex with everyone who comes to the door. If you’ve been treating your sex life like you see in a porno movie, it’s time for a re-think.

There’s a new book out by Bettina Arndt titled The Sex Diaries. In the book, Arndt publishes the results of a survey of 98 Australian couples about sex. She goes on and on about how women should put out more often, even if they don’t want to because that’s just part of the deal when you agree to be in a relationship with someone.

Ok, I do agree with her that if you love someone, you want to have sex with them both as a way to express your love and maintain that emotional connection that you get with sexual intimacy. But, and it’s a huge but, what if you aren’t turned on by the man you’re with any longer?

I’ve often talked about women who work a demanding job who leave work at 5:30 and dash to pick up the littlies at daycare and then stop at the supermarket to get things for dinner, go home and start cooking. While she’s cooking she looks after the kids – listening to the stories about their day, kissing the booboos, putting in a load of wash, emptying the dishwasher and setting the table. Too often, this is where the husband comes home from his hard day and he turns on the news. Dinner gets put on the table, he eats and then he goes back to the TV or the computer while the wife cleans up, helps the kids with homework, takes the clothes out of the washer and puts them in the dryer, gets the kids bathed and put to bed. She carries the dirty clothes back to the laundry room and notices the clock. It’s past 9pm and she’s been on the go since before 7am. She mops the kitchen floor, feeds the dog, changes the cat’s litter box and picks up all the things that the kids left out.

She falls into bed exhausted only to find that her husband has been online watching sexy young women showing themselves off and he’s ready for a hot time in the sack – all primed. Now in her book, Arndt says that my scenario just isn’t true. She says that women don’t work as many hours outside the home as men do and that they should be glad to pick up the slack at home and pretty much should be ready for sex whenever their man crooks his finger.

I will continue to say that the sexiest man is the one who wears an apron. I’m not talking about a sissy kind of man but one who realizes that doing his share at home isn’t waiting for his wife to ask for his help. If they both have jobs outside the home, why is it always the woman who has to ask for help. Why can’t a man see that the dishwasher needs emptying or the carpet needs vacuuming and just do it?

Don’t get me wrong, not all men are like this. There are lots and lots of men who DO help out but I talk to way too many women who are always exhausted and wish they had more support at home. They’re too tired to feel sexy. I’m sure there are men who feel like THEY do all the work while their wives sit around and eat chocolates and I’m sure they’re right too.

Next, let’s talk about general sex appeal. Fellas, if you don’t want your wife or partner to say, “it’s not me, it’s you”, listen up. There’s nothing sexy about a man who hasn’t showered, smells a bit stale and has a five o’clock shadow. If you’re coming to bed after viewing hot young chicks, remember that your wife hasn’t. She’s been doing chores and it’s going to take a bit of foreplay to get her up to speed. You might be ready for a quickie but if she’s not turned on, sex will be painful. Too many experiences of painful sex and she’s going to shut down. I know. I was there in my previous life about 30 years ago.

To Bettina Arndt, I think your 98 couples don’t speak for everyone or maybe it was your sex diaries. Anyone can get the results they’re looking for if they offer limited options as answers for multiple choice questions, so maybe we should be saying it’s not US, it’s you!

An official government report in the UK recommends that children as young as 11 should be given compulsory lessons on sexually transmitted diseases and contraception. All secondary students should be taught about infections such as chlamydia and also taught how to put on a condom.

The document, compiled by a panel of sexual health experts for Ministers, has horrified and angered many parents who do not want their children involved in explicit lessons on sex. The current law says that pupils must only be taught the bare minimum biology of sex, and how the body changes during puberty. Teachers are encouraged to teach students about relationships, how STDs are transmitted and how to use contraception, including how condoms are put on. Most teachers allow parents to exclude their children from these classes.

The UK has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in Western Europe and abortion rates are climbing towards 200,000 a year. Will teaching a child how to put on a condom ensure that he will use it when the time comes? Maybe. I think it would be a good idea to not only teach kids about sex but also what a healthy, monogamous relationship is like.

If sex and relationships education is made a statutory subject, then parents would have no say on what is taught. It will be a biggie to get some parents to agree. Sure, they should have input but parents have been in control all this time and their guidance certainly hasn’t lowered teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections!

The sexual health report, released July 28th, also called for easier access to abortion and better availability of contraceptives. Its main recommendation was on making sexual and relationship education (SRE) a statutory responsibility for secondary schools.

Making sex and relationship education compulsory will secure its place in the curriculum with equal access for all students, and will ensure schools have appropriately trained teachers.

Baroness Gould, who chaired the group, said: ‘We must have consensus that good sex and relationships education is essential if we want our young people to live free from disease, have reduced pregnancy and abortion rates, and experience fulfilled sexual lives as adults.

Rebecca Findlay, from the Family Planning Association, said the problems of teen pregnancy, abortion and STIs were too important ‘just to let young people get on with them’. She said, “Young people live in a very sexualised society which is very pressured and they need advice and help to make sense of it. When sexual and relationship education is given, young people are less likely to become sexual at a younger age.”