Unless you’re a swinger, how did you learn sexual technique and etiquette? From a porn movie or 100 perhaps?

I thought so. Me too.

With nearly everything else in life, there’s a handbook to tell you how to be really good at things but with sex, you’re pretty much on your own — except for those videos. I think porn videos have a lot to answer for in the way they portray women and real sex.

For instance:

* All women must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 but then they’re MILFs.
* They must have platinum blond hair and fake boobs (over the size of DD).
* Women are all either bi or lesbian.
* Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
* As soon as any sexual activity starts every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie is not sexy) must be removed. Ok, one exception — high heels must be worn throughout the entire sexual experience.
* All men must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on especially during the good bits.
* If there is a black male involved he will be hung like a horse.
* Upon orgasm, men must ejaculate at least 27 pints
* Extremely beautiful women really want to have sex with a 67 year old man
* During sex a woman must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
* Only overweight men who also have a severe case of gut overhang like to have sex
* Women must always moan from pleasure while giving another man oral sex.
* Women usually apologize to a man by giving him a blowjob.
* All women can have an orgasm by just taking off their clothes.
* One sexual position or act is not good enough. Four different positions in a couple of minutes is what EVERYONE else does
* Men are never impotent.
* When performing oral sex on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
* Women who get caught masturbating by a strange man will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
* Women are indifferent as to where a man’s ejaculate lands
* Women always moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
* Women always orgasm when men do.
* Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they orgasm.
* Women always make Oooohhh Ahhhhh noises when they have sex.
* Asian men don’t exist, but their chicks are HOT!
* Nurses tend to give blow jobs as an exam method.
* Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
* Children do not exist
* Women never have headaches… or periods.
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they unzip a man’s fly and find a penis there.
* Every woman on the planet is bi
* Pubic hair is just a myth.
* If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex with you
* There are no such things as natural finger nails.
* The man always decides on the position, no objections.

Real people have real sex. Women have periods. Some women do not want to be spanked. Some couples can have sex without swearing. Some women don’t have sex with everyone who comes to the door. If you’ve been treating your sex life like you see in a porno movie, it’s time for a re-think.

There’s a new book out by Bettina Arndt titled The Sex Diaries. In the book, Arndt publishes the results of a survey of 98 Australian couples about sex. She goes on and on about how women should put out more often, even if they don’t want to because that’s just part of the deal when you agree to be in a relationship with someone.

Ok, I do agree with her that if you love someone, you want to have sex with them both as a way to express your love and maintain that emotional connection that you get with sexual intimacy. But, and it’s a huge but, what if you aren’t turned on by the man you’re with any longer?

I’ve often talked about women who work a demanding job who leave work at 5:30 and dash to pick up the littlies at daycare and then stop at the supermarket to get things for dinner, go home and start cooking. While she’s cooking she looks after the kids – listening to the stories about their day, kissing the booboos, putting in a load of wash, emptying the dishwasher and setting the table. Too often, this is where the husband comes home from his hard day and he turns on the news. Dinner gets put on the table, he eats and then he goes back to the TV or the computer while the wife cleans up, helps the kids with homework, takes the clothes out of the washer and puts them in the dryer, gets the kids bathed and put to bed. She carries the dirty clothes back to the laundry room and notices the clock. It’s past 9pm and she’s been on the go since before 7am. She mops the kitchen floor, feeds the dog, changes the cat’s litter box and picks up all the things that the kids left out.

She falls into bed exhausted only to find that her husband has been online watching sexy young women showing themselves off and he’s ready for a hot time in the sack – all primed. Now in her book, Arndt says that my scenario just isn’t true. She says that women don’t work as many hours outside the home as men do and that they should be glad to pick up the slack at home and pretty much should be ready for sex whenever their man crooks his finger.

I will continue to say that the sexiest man is the one who wears an apron. I’m not talking about a sissy kind of man but one who realizes that doing his share at home isn’t waiting for his wife to ask for his help. If they both have jobs outside the home, why is it always the woman who has to ask for help. Why can’t a man see that the dishwasher needs emptying or the carpet needs vacuuming and just do it?

Don’t get me wrong, not all men are like this. There are lots and lots of men who DO help out but I talk to way too many women who are always exhausted and wish they had more support at home. They’re too tired to feel sexy. I’m sure there are men who feel like THEY do all the work while their wives sit around and eat chocolates and I’m sure they’re right too.

Next, let’s talk about general sex appeal. Fellas, if you don’t want your wife or partner to say, “it’s not me, it’s you”, listen up. There’s nothing sexy about a man who hasn’t showered, smells a bit stale and has a five o’clock shadow. If you’re coming to bed after viewing hot young chicks, remember that your wife hasn’t. She’s been doing chores and it’s going to take a bit of foreplay to get her up to speed. You might be ready for a quickie but if she’s not turned on, sex will be painful. Too many experiences of painful sex and she’s going to shut down. I know. I was there in my previous life about 30 years ago.

To Bettina Arndt, I think your 98 couples don’t speak for everyone or maybe it was your sex diaries. Anyone can get the results they’re looking for if they offer limited options as answers for multiple choice questions, so maybe we should be saying it’s not US, it’s you!

An official government report in the UK recommends that children as young as 11 should be given compulsory lessons on sexually transmitted diseases and contraception. All secondary students should be taught about infections such as chlamydia and also taught how to put on a condom.

The document, compiled by a panel of sexual health experts for Ministers, has horrified and angered many parents who do not want their children involved in explicit lessons on sex. The current law says that pupils must only be taught the bare minimum biology of sex, and how the body changes during puberty. Teachers are encouraged to teach students about relationships, how STDs are transmitted and how to use contraception, including how condoms are put on. Most teachers allow parents to exclude their children from these classes.

The UK has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in Western Europe and abortion rates are climbing towards 200,000 a year. Will teaching a child how to put on a condom ensure that he will use it when the time comes? Maybe. I think it would be a good idea to not only teach kids about sex but also what a healthy, monogamous relationship is like.

If sex and relationships education is made a statutory subject, then parents would have no say on what is taught. It will be a biggie to get some parents to agree. Sure, they should have input but parents have been in control all this time and their guidance certainly hasn’t lowered teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections!

The sexual health report, released July 28th, also called for easier access to abortion and better availability of contraceptives. Its main recommendation was on making sexual and relationship education (SRE) a statutory responsibility for secondary schools.

Making sex and relationship education compulsory will secure its place in the curriculum with equal access for all students, and will ensure schools have appropriately trained teachers.

Baroness Gould, who chaired the group, said: ‘We must have consensus that good sex and relationships education is essential if we want our young people to live free from disease, have reduced pregnancy and abortion rates, and experience fulfilled sexual lives as adults.

Rebecca Findlay, from the Family Planning Association, said the problems of teen pregnancy, abortion and STIs were too important ‘just to let young people get on with them’. She said, “Young people live in a very sexualised society which is very pressured and they need advice and help to make sense of it. When sexual and relationship education is given, young people are less likely to become sexual at a younger age.”

At least I think that’s what I want. I went for a massage the other day and the masseur also does reflexology and we started having a chat about how it works.

She said she’d give me a 30 minute reflexology session just to see if I liked it. When she touched each part of my foot, she told me which bits of my body were “mirrored” in my feet. The theory is that there are mirrors in several places and when stimulated affect different organs in the body.

Well, it turns out that the area of the brain that feels the genitals is right next to the part of the brain that feels the feet. When you get a foot rub by your sweetie or you go out shoe shopping and try on different styles of shoes, chances are really good that you’re going to get lucky come nightfall. (or afternoonfall or maybe even morningfall) So if you want your spouse to be in the mood, try a foot rub as the beginning of foreplay. I’m feeling sexy just thinking about one.

I tried ‘esplainin all of this to Mr. Flirty but I think it went right over his head. Next time I have a bright idea I’m not going to try to discuss it with him when he’s watching his favorite TV show. What I was hoping was for him to say, “Yes dear, let’s go shoe shopping together.”

This will happen the same day he says, “Honey, I’ll do all the chores this week.”