A woman wrote to me this week about why she’s having such a tough time keeping her life in order. She goes from one drama to another and never seems to be able to hold on to a relationship. She’s a successful businesswoman and if you didn’t know better, you’d think she was one of those people who always drink from a sterling silver cup.

Have you ever thought about why you’re successful in some areas of your life but not in others? I used to think it was all about talent and training but now I’m not so sure. Some people — and we all know who they are — seem to have their life on autopilot most of the time. Good things just fall into place for them time and time again. They seem happy all the time.

I think now it’s not so much that some people are just more talented and able than the rest of us. I think some people plan and prepare for the outcome they want to see happen in their lives. They believe they’re capable of being, doing or having anything (or anyone) they want.

So if it’s possible for some people to have a great relationship why do some of us struggle?

Partly it goes back to the old bugger confidence in ourselves but maybe, just maybe, small changes can yield big results?

I think we’re built with the ability to meet all of life’s challenges and finding a person to share passion and intimacy with should be one of the easiest things we do. Really. The desire for an intimate partner is as basic as food to eat and shelter from the cold. None of us worry that we can’t find something to eat or a place to lay our heads.

If you want a change in your life, there’s no better time than right now to start. Let good things happen to you. Be grateful for small things. Think glass half full.

Sure, some of us are a bit crushed by fear and anxiety about money, jobs, kids, family and we wonder if we’ll make it through to the other side, but we will. We always do.

My friend is in a nasty relationship. That might sound like a bad way to describe anyone’s relationship but my friend Sarah is in a mess. I think her husband is evil but then I tend to overreact when a friend appears to be in trouble.

When you’re in a controlling, abusive relationship it’s really hard to take any action to stop it. Sarah BELIEVES that if she crosses him he’ll either take her 2 children away, hurt her children while she watches, kill her, hurt her in front of the children, toss boiling oil on her, fix her car so that the brakes will fail and that’s just a few of them. I looked at her last week and said, “Sarah, what will it take for you to move the children to safety? How much abuse is enough for you?”

She sobbed.

For some wacky reason she feels that because he’s a doctor that upscale relationships don’t suffer abuse. She doesn’t see herself as a victim — she’s just scared of her husband when he’s in a bad mood.

When they got married they agreed that she’d stay at home and raise the children while he worked long hours. He didn’t feel it would be fair to any children they’d have for both of their parents to be gone all day. She has an education but she has no job skills and no job experience as they got married shortly after she finished college.

“It’s painful to admit that I have no clue what to do. Where do I go? How do I feed myself? How will I keep my children from living with him?” she said.

If it was just Sarah it was her choice what to do but when her kids are involved, that makes a difference for me. Sarah never leaves the children alone with her husband. She feels if she’s there they’ll be treated okay. Children who see one of their parents hit, yell or criticize the other parent store those images in their brain forever. It’s almost like it’s happening to them.

I told Sarah that staying in that relationship was doing her children more harm than good and she needed to see a therapist. Surprise, surprise, her husband has told her she doesn’t need any counseling, she only needs to do as she’s told and life would be perfect for them all.

What hogwash. She’ll never be perfect enough for this man. He could find fault in a sunny day. I told her there were 50 million men looking for relationships and surely she could find ONE of them who’d be nice to her and her children.

Finally, I put my arms around her and I told her that I loved her as my friend. I also said if she didn’t do something someone was going to get hurt or worse and that someone would most probably be her.

So when do you leave a controlling, abusive bully? As soon as you can. Regardless what the abuser says, nobody “deserves” punishment nor does anyone have the right to punish someone. That’s not how most of the world lives. It takes an enormous amount of energy, bravery and plain ole guts to leave an abusive relationship. I’m telling you, if you’re in that situation, you can do this. We’ll all stand behind you.

I was at a local gathering recently and the ladies were all gathered together while the men were drinking beer outside and it struck me that several women seemed to be “waiting” for life to come to them and make life wonderful. I’m sure you know people like that too. They will do something when they lose weight. They will do something when they get a new job. They will have children when they earn more money. It’s always something that they’re waiting for, like life is on hold until these good things happen. The woman who wants to lose weight said that she would love to go to the beach in the afternoons and swim with her kids but she needs to lose weight before she can put on a swimsuit.

Being the mouthy person I am and being new in this community I casually asked how long she’s been working on losing weight. She hasn’t started. She admitted that her youngest is 9 and she hasn’t been to the beach since before she got pregnant because she’s waiting to lose weight.

It made me think about how many of us are waiting for a new relationship to knock on our front door and ask to come in. The answer is heaps! We see lots of people who join at SexyAds and at several other sites all at the same time and they create a login and they wait. They have no photo, they have no ad, they don’t post in the forums, they don’t comment on profiles or blogs and they go to chat and don’t say anything and wait for someone to notice them. When someone doesn’t notice them, then they think they aren’t worthy or they aren’t attractive enough or not outgoing enough or heaps of things but the truth is they didn’t DO anything to get noticed. This is an issue equally shared by both men and women.

If I could do one thing it would be to encourage the “waiters” to embrace life and join in. Stop waiting and make things happen for yourself. If you want to lose weight before you go to the beach, then start exercising, watch portion sizes and you’ll get smaller. If you want a new relationship, don’t just dance around the fringes by making a profile that says nothing about you and do nothing that causes anyone to take an interest in you – get active.

Think about what you want in a new partner and think about what a new partner would like about you and then write an ad that talks about both. Browse the profiles and ads, send a comment to anyone you think you might be interested in. Even if the person is half a continent away, if you like the way someone looks or you like their ad or you think their blog is funny – send a comment or email. You might not end up with a lifetime partner but you could end up with a friend to meet on your next vacation or holiday. When you get active and set your mind to do something, people will come into your life. Take a risk, say hello.

What’s the worst that can happen? Well, you might not find the right one. You might find someone who doesn’t feel the same way as you do. You might not lose weight fast enough. Seriously, you might get hit by a bus and you won’t have a chance to do anything ever again. You will never regret doing something positive for yourself but you will always regret not doing something as important as finding someone to share passion and excitement with.

Do you have tips for people who are waiting for life to hand them what their waiting for?

Can older/younger relationships work? Is it ALL about wanting to be with a young, good looking person or an older financially stable person? …and is that a crap sentence anyway?

I was talking with a woman who’s dating a guy 18 years younger than she is and she explained all the stereotypes she’s faced with on a daily basis. She says that when they’re together – alone – they have a magnificent relationship that’s very loving, caring and sexy. When they’re out in public she’s always on guard for the “your son” or “your mother” comments and sometimes has a tough time handling them gracefully.

She asked if I’d had any experiences of age gap relationships in my years at SexyAds. The answer would be yes. Age is just one factor in a relationship. There’s looks, size, sense of humor, intelligence and the list goes on. I don’t believe age is any more or less relevant unless it’s something that’s important to you. For instance, the guy in the relationship with the woman who wrote has always dated older women. He feels more in tune with a woman quite a bit older than he is. Who’s to say he’s wrong or he doesn’t have anything in common?

In the mail she went on to say that she feels that if the situation were reversed and she was a younger woman and he was an older man, nobody would treat them differently. She said she hated the double standard and the boytoy comments and winks she gets, even from her closest friends.

Does age enter as a factor for you? Jayce is 6 years younger than me but I don’t think it’s ever been a problem. He did say the wrong thing not long ago when I said I was really tired and I hated that he could work longer hours than I could. “You ARE older, dear.” Bleh!!