We see this every day at SexyAds and we remember what it was like for us too. We were 10,000 miles apart and the time was really wacky. He would stay up half the night to chat with me and I’d get up at the buttcrack of dawn to make sure I talked with him in case he went to bed early. There was nothing we wouldn’t have done to make contact.

Are long distance relationships worth all that? Probably not for everyone. You have to put off the cuddles, kisses, hugs and more until you’re physically in the same space and some won’t do that. For us they were. WE knew there was something special about the other that we didn’t want to lose. So for those of you languishing in a bubble bath with your new love, we spent money on the phone and felt just as close. Because of the internet and phone, we never felt loneliness or despair. There was PLENTY of longing though. We kept saying we just wanted to touch and for the first week that’s all we did!

There does come a time where you sit on the threshold of an online sweetie and a commitment to a person a long distance away. Is this person worth all this effort? Is this person going to cheat on you? Is this person really who they say they are in the first place? We knew.. inside, we knew. The odds are not in favor of a long distance relationship (especially one of that distance) working out but we knew we’d beat those odds.

I’ll admit there were times that it seemed all too hard. The flat screen can make it difficult to tell when the other person is being sarcastic or funny and sometimes I’d hit the ceiling assuming he said something shitty when he meant nothing at all. There were the times when we were supposed to meet and he didn’t show – had he moved on? Was he looking for someone else? I would always realize that I trusted him and he’d show up. It doesn’t matter what kind of love you have – it’s not always easy. You might be arguing over which way the toilet paper should be hung or that you really hate broccoli and it seems to always be on the menu. People in a long distance relationship have different issues but the feelings you have are real – and this relationship can bring you joy.

“Every night we watch tv and I rub her feet,” he said.

“I bring home a surprise for her several times a week and I’m always thinking of ways I can show her that I care,” so why doesn’t she reciprocate?

The sad fact is that she probably isn’t as much in love as he is. She might be seeing all the things he’s doing as smothering when he sees them as romantic gestures. It was tough to write to him and tell him that if she’s not in the relationship giving as much as she’s receiving, he’s wasting his time with this woman.

Why?

Because if he accepts this behavior from her, it’s only going to get worse and then he’s going to feel taken for granted and grow ever more resentful of her as time passes. I can’t know but my guess is that the first guy who comes along that brings out urges to show him that she cares – she’ll jump ship and leave this guy after all he’s done to build a relationship with her.

Being in a married relationship with children is one thing and that always brings special problems but if you aren’t married and have no children together, why be a doormat? I suggested that he dust himself off and confront her about his feelings and if he didn’t feel 100% confident that she was fully committed to him – it’s time to move on.

What would your advice have been?

I know women value honesty very deeply, but in order to get men to be honest, women must be willing to be less reactionary and more understanding. For example, if the average man were to tell a woman about his prior sexual exploits she would undoubtedly be shocked and think he was some kind of pervert. Hence, men dont usually tell these things to women.

Typically women are known to be more understanding. In some cases women are indeed more understanding, but it all depends on what they are being told. Going further, while women tend to be reactionary when men tell them what they dont want to hear, they usually will accept these shocking revelations anyway because when women fall in love, they have a very difficult time letting go of men no matter what faults they find.

So ladies, you heard it here first (maybe). Dont be so judgemental and your man will be more honest.

If you were to sit down and take an inventory of the things that cause your breakup you would realize that getting back together would just bring back those old troubling scenarios. I know there were some good times you can point to, but good times can be had with someone new, however difficult it may be to envision that when youre single again after being with someone for so long.

Many of these so called relationship experts will emphasize the need to try and work out issues with your mate. While that is partially true, chances are slim they wont rise to the surface at some point in the future.

There are over six billion people in the world, thus giving single people no good reason to settle down with someone they have had issues with in the past. Every minute we spend remembering the old times with someone who treated us poorly is a minute wasted. Although I confess to doing a lot of that same thinking myself, I have learned that its very counterproductive to moving on and meeting someone new to share your life with.

My experience has led me to believe that when things go wrong they go wrong for a darn good reason. When I have tried to rekindle the flame things usually get stale very fast. I highly recommend giving getting back with your ex a second thought before you end up going back to a time in your life that you once had to wiggle out of and now must wiggle out of once again.

Once I feel the pressure sliding down my body I have to wonder what happened in the relationship that caused this lack of respect. It IS a lack of respect when someone tells a lie because they know the truth will make them look like the piece of crap that they are. It’s like, “I’m doing the wrong thing but I don’t want you to be disappointed or angry with me.” Yeah right, then don’t make promises with your mouth that your actions can’t back up. Just sayin…

What is it about people who make promises when they know right up front that they have no intention of keeping their promise but they will hold their partner to theirs. Just drives me nuts.

Folks, it’s tough when you love someone you cannot trust. It leaves you feeling insecure and trying to decide if you should stay or go. Too often we’ll look at the relationship as a whole and remember the charming person who swept us off our feet and who can be very loving – and ignore how bad we feel when we get lied to.

• Sometimes we stay because even if we feel really bad about ourselves we worry that being alone will hurt worse.
• Sometimes we stay because we think that ALL people lie and this one is no worse than someone new.
• Sometimes we stay because we think nobody new will want us.
• Sometimes we stay because we think this person needs us.
• Sometimes we believe we’re the cause of their misbehavior.
• Sometimes we stay because even though this has happened time and time again, we believe it when they say, “it will never happen again.”

Let me say that all of these reasons are crap.  Being lied to is not the price you must pay for being in a relationship with someone and not everyone will lie to you.  You will NEVER be responsible for anyone else’s behavior regardless what he or she says to the contrary.  We are all responsible for our own behavior and nobody can “make” you do anything – that’s just a sleazy excuse for abuse.

You found this person, didn’t you?  You’ll find another one the same way.  Being lied to tends to tarnish your sparkle a little bit but I promise that with a little dating practice you’ll polish up just fine.

As for why your liar creep keeps on lying?  Why should they change?  They’re in control, top dog and life is perfect just as it is.  They do as they please and then say, “oh, sorry about that,” and keep on keeping on.  You’re worth more.

How many times have you heard people who’ve been divorced say that they weren’t really in love with their ex, they just thought they were? I’ve heard it. The thing to remember is, both men and women are guilty of thinking theyr’e in love. They don’t test themselves because being with *someone* is better than being alone. A few months or years later and they are unhappy and wondering how the hell to change things. Their eyes begin to wander and figure that an affair is better than hurting their spouse’s feelings.

Sometimes, and dare I say it, more than sometimes, we think we’re in love but it’s really a long-term friends with benefits situation that could end at any time if one or the other isn’t getting their sexual needs met. It looks like love because they’re all twittery, holding hands, cuddly but that’s how friends with benefits act too. We get caught up in overwhelming lust and we think it’s love. Love isn’t about sex and that’s where the confusion lies. You have sex when you’re in love but sex is not love. Love is caring about someone during the good times and more especially during the bad times. Love doesn’t look for a way out, instead it looks for a solution.

I’m not saying that every person who’s cheating isn’t in love with their spouse. I’m saying that some people were never in love in the first place.

Would you consider doing it if you thought your partner/spouse was cheating?

I’ve been asked before if I knew for sure that my best friend’s husband was cheating would I tell her. That’s a far cry from chasing a wandering spouse to publicly humiliate him or her. I dunno, I couldn’t imagine doing it. I think I’d just prefer to leave and put it all behind me. Think about going through life as “the guy whose wife cheated on him on tv”? or “the woman whose husband pretended to be a talent scout when he was really a janitor?”

How do you feel about Cheaters (the show, not the person)?

My skepticism waned a bit when I read their reasoning as to why so many people start their relationship from a hook-up. Times have changed. There is no longer the stigma that women carry who’ve had a casual affair. These days, frankly nobody cares what someone else does with their sexuality. From a former president who has oral sex in his office with an intern to televangelists who lose everything for a bit of a romp in the sack – it’s old news. The time between the first date and first sex has reduced to sometimes just a few hours. The rest of the relationship dynamics haven’t changed.

So how does one move a hook-up to a relationship? Start by looking for clues that maybe he or she might be open to doing more things with you than just having sex. If you sense an openness, invite the other person to do relationship-y things. Invite them to a movie or to the theater or to a party with your friends. Yes, it’s a risk you could lose the whole friends with benefits thing you’ve got going on, but you’ve got a 50% chance of getting the whole ball of wax too. Nothing ventured is nothing gained!

My wife and I met at the gym and we used to go jogging together twice a week. Four years ago we moved in together and now have a little girl who’s nearly 1. My wife put on a lot of weight when she was pregnant, and once the baby arrived she said she was always too tired or too stressed to work out. Now, a year later, she’s what I’d call obese and I can’t get her to do any exercise. I’ve begged her to come running with me, and I bought her a membership to the gym, but she refuses to do a thing no matter how much I beg. I’ve talked and talked about it and all she does is get angry so I’ve given up. I do love her, but I’m a personal trainer so it’s embarrassing and bad for business. If I can’t motivate my wife, how good am I ? What can I do?

Many women gain weight when they’re pregnant and that first year after the baby, especially a first time mother, is tiring and stressful. If you add that she’s being judged by her husband for her looks on top of the stress, you should probably add depression to her list of troubles. If she’s having trouble just coping with the essentials, then you need to accept that she’s seeing everything as an exhausting chore. Please don’t compare your wife with a celebrity who loses all the baby weight in 6 weeks.  She definitely has domestic help around the house, a personal trainer and the time to spend with him or her.   Don’t add to wife’s feelings of guilt and inadequacy because it’s only going to make it worse. If you truly love this woman and I mean love in the purest sense of the word, then love her unconditionally.

I’m sure that physical fitness is important to you and perhaps it defines who you are. You see your wife’s weight as a reflection on your ability and you see your wife as lacking respect for you because she’s let herself go. Stop seeing her weight as how it afects you. If you met your wife at the gym and she used to go running with you – that woman is still inside. If you keep nagging and making her feel not good enough over and over, you’ll never find that person again. The gym membership was your idea to fix a problem that you have with her weight – it wasn’t a gift. It was a silent way to say “I don’t like you the way you are now.”

The more you talk about her weight and lack of fitness, the more likely she is to add to her wall of anger and resentment. Remember, this weight and lack of exercise can cause health problems but their her problems to deal with. I would bet $100 that she’s more unhappy about all of this than you are and your vocal disapproval is undermining her ability to make any changes.

I predict that nothing will change until you can love her and respect her as she is and make her believe that it’s true. Have fun together, enjoy that beautiful baby together. The more time you spend having fun, the more she will be encouraged to make changes for herself. She’ll want to be fitter just to keep up. When she does decide to get fitter, keep your mouth shut. Offer to watch the baby while she goes to the gym IF she wants to go to the gym, otherwise let her go at her own pace. If she falls off, leave it and wait for her to get back to it. She will. She probably loves you as much as you love her and she’s sick and tired of being sick and tired. Good luck!

How hard should you work to prevent your spouse from cheating? Should you check their email and their text messages? Go through their car and pockets and purse, checking for unexplained receipts, or underwear that’s not yours? Call them at odd times, to make sure they are where they said they would be, doing what they said they were doing? Should you demand they share with you their Facebook password, so you can make sure they are not using the social site to reconnect with old flames?

Or not? Are these things worth it? Do they help, or do they actually make things worse? Recent research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers some interesting and tantalizing suggestions that these efforts to control your spouse, and command sexual fidelity, might actually increase their desire to pursue extramarital sex.

Lead researcher Nathan DeWall published results of three connected studies that examined the effects of these limits on peoples’ desires. They found that when they created situations that attempted to prevent people from attending to, responding to, or noticing “desirable relationship alternatives,” it actually made people more dissatisfied with their current relationship, decreased the peoples’ commitment to infidelity, and increased their interest in pursuing an extramarital relationship. This effect played out cognitively and behaviorally as well, showing an effect in increasing people’s memory for attractive people other than their partner, and an increase in the amount of time they attended to these people.

DeWall and his fellow authors hypothesize that this effect is related to the concept of the “forbidden fruit.” By telling Adam and Eve not to eat that darn apple, God created a burning desire to have what they couldn’t have, and essentially destined them to break His commandment. By trying to prevent your spouse or partner from cheating, are you creating the same effect? You might be. By setting and enforcing limits, you are almost certainly increasing your partner’s unhappiness with you and your relationship, AND making them more likely to start shopping around for alternatives.

I remember a couple I treated years ago, where the wife was convinced that her husband would one day cheat on her. Recognizing this effect, even back then, I told her that her conviction that her husband would one day cheat put her in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. By telling him repeatedly that she already didn’t trust him, and believed he would cheat, she was removing the barriers to him cheating, and leading to him potentially saying one day, “Why shouldn’t I cheat? She already believes that I will, I’ve really got nothing to lose.”

Working with parents, I often explain to them that their efforts to catch and punish their children breaking rules are likely to backfire. What we know is that such efforts don’t make children behave. Instead, they just make children look for ways not to get caught. When you put your spouse or partner on notice that you are “watching them like a hawk,” what you might really be doing is telling them that they need to be prepared to better hide their actions and desires, and that you don’t trust them.

What’s a better way to deal with this situation? With that couple I treated, I encouraged the wife to instead spend a lot of time paying attention to those qualities of her husband that she admired and respected, which would increase his internal barriers to infidelity, things like his moral character, his commitment to her, his desire and love for her, and the joy that they had in being together. Similarly, I tell parents to instead help their children understand the reasons for rules, the potential consequences of rulebreaking, and respect and praise their children’s ability to make good decisions.

The same things apply here. Want your spouse to be faithful? Here are a few tips, that actually work:

Be clear about what faithfulness means. Many problems happen due to lack of clear communication about expectations and agreements;
Help your partner to want to be faithful, by having a healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean you should always keep them happy, but that you should do your part to communicate and deal with problems;
Pay attention to the things that are working. Often people in relationships only attend to the things that aren’t working, which enhances awareness of dissatisfaction. Instead, we do best by highlighting things we like, even more than the things we don’t. “That which we attend to, grows.”
Deal with your own fears and feelings over infidelity. What does it mean to you, and your beliefs about yourself and your relationship;
Finally – talk about it. Guess what, talking about it with your partner doesn’t make it happen. Instead, by talking openly and honestly about the issue of extramarital sex and desire, with respect and personal ownership of feelings, helps you and your partner make better decisions about your relationship, commitment, and in reaction to those “attractive alternatives.”
DeWall and his co-authors agree with my suggestions. Instead of limiting your partner’s ability to check out other people, they suggest that it works better to work on “enhancing relationship processes that naturally lead to decreased attention, such as focusing on positive aspects of one’s partner.” Rather than making them not cheat, make them WANT to NOT cheat, through having a relationship where they feel no need to do so. Make that forbidden fruit less desirable, less mysterious, and less alluring, than yourself.