A puppet has strings and its attached to a wooden holder that someone else controls. I think when you make the decision that the person you want more than anything in your life should be put on a pedestal like a prize you’ve won, you become the puppet and you emotionally turn the handle over to them. Everything they do pulls and tugs at your strings and thereby dictate your emotions and how you feel. It’s almost like you’re drawn to them by a huge magnet and can only survive if “they love you.”

When you’re the puppet your mind is fooled into believing that your happiness (or lack of it) is controlled by the person you are in love with. In your mind you make this person to be better than you, more attractive and nicer than they really are to you. It’s not their fault – you made them the puppeteer.

Sure there are jerks, pains in the ass and total bitches in the world who don’t care about other people’s feelings and they’ll stomp on your heart without any regret. Take a step back and remember that you chose to love them and you are the one who decided that this person meant so much to you. You didn’t listen to the voice inside that says, “this doesn’t feel good.” The voice is always there and it’s always right.

I asked if there was a way to stop this and was it only about romantic relationships. As she talked I instantly thought of other times in my life when I haven’t listened to the voice when it told me “this doesn’t feel good.”

Yes, the puppet and puppeteer can be romantic relationships, family ties or even who you consider to be your best friend.

“Let me ask you a question,” she said. Who is in charge of YOUR emotional happiness?”

“Who do you consider is better than you and who you should defer your happiness for?”

If you can list any names, then you can choose today to change your mind. Nobody is better than you and nobody should have control over your happiness. There are people with more degrees, more money, less money, better looks, worse looks – but nobody is better than someone else. It’s up to you to choose happiness or choose heartbreak. You don’t have to be a puppet or puppeteer. Life is much better dealing as equals.

Think she’s full of crap? I can look back in my life and see times that I was a puppet and a puppeteer. That there were times that I was the one pulling the strings and there were times also that the strings were on me.

* First you have to respect yourself. Don’t put up with any crap just to be with someone. It doesn’t matter how rich or attractive, if they don’t respect you, you don’t belong there. It’s far better to be alone than be mistreated.

* Show respect to your partner. Don’t be bossy or controlling and never ever put your partner down for any emotion he or she is feeling.

* Be your own person. If you live your life totally around another person with no interests of your own, then you are setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Nobody can be responsible for your happiness or for meeting all your needs. Create your own interests and pursue them with an eye to keeping a good balance in your life.

* Be Yourself. If the person you’re trying to get or keep in your life says they really like something, don’t toss yourself into it just so you can please them. It will all fall in a heap, I promise. One day you’ll realize that you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t worth all the effort you put into becoming who you aren’t. You’ll have wasted a lot of time you could have been spending with someone more compatible with who you are.

* Have sex when YOU’RE ready. Sure, it’s 2010 but there is no requirement that you have sex on the first date. Sure, if it’s something you’re comfortable with and you want, I say go for it, but if you’re doing it just so you can be sure of date #2, it’s a mistake. Waiting for sex until you’re sure might show that you’re worth the wait.

* If you’re answering ads on SexyAds (or any other site of an adult nature) you don’t have to be crude and write, “I’d love to come all over your tits,” as an introductory email. If you can’t say it to a stranger at the veggie stand, then it’s probably not going to work here either. The people are real, only their nicknames aren’t.

Respect is always a two-way street. If you’re a controlling bitch or bastard, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. If you’re a wimp who never stands up for him or herself, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. I am not trying to piss anyone off here but sometimes the truth hurts. Treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around.

My mind kept saying, “Get real, woman!” Unless we could write a contract between us as a couple that said you can fuck but not talk and you couldn’t fuck the same one twice because then there might be an emotional tie, it would be unworkable. Human nature does have a part to play in this sex business. The woman needs to realize that the way she met her husband and eventually married him is the same way her husband is going to meet other women and she’s going to meet other men. Why wouldn’t natural instincts of caring and even love develop between them?

Don’t misunderstand, I believe that everyone deserves a great sex life and I also believe that we go through life once and to live it always hankering for passion, intimacy and plain old fucking is wrong. I think infidelity comes from lack of attention, approval or sex-using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner loneliness. Lack of sexual satisfaction in the context of marriage is one reason why partners cheat. I think couples should discuss what will happen if one partner’s sex drive takes a dump. Should the partner who still feels sexy be required to sort out sexuality with a good right hand or a BOB ? It’s time humans realized that one person might not be able to meet a person’s needs physically or emotionally.

Would you sign an infidelity contract with your husband or partner? Would you prefer that your partner talk about his or her physical or emotional needs not being met before they found someone else to help? I would.

In all relationships there needs to be give and take to be truly considered a good and healthy relationship. When one always gives and the other always takes, that’s how relationships get broken. If compromise at your place means you’re the one who’s always saying, “I’m sorry,” then it’s time for you to learn that compromise isn’t a one-way street.

Rather than continue being the always yes always sorry doormat, the next time that your partner or spouse asks you to do something that you don’t want to, say no. They may be surprised and expect you to give in easily because you always do, but this time stand your ground and most of all, stay calm. Explain why you can’t or don’t want to do it and what other options there are. If they are persistent or even difficult, it might be tempting to give in to keep peace, but don’t. A relationship needs to be balanced. You must please yourself first rather than your partner.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean fighting tooth and nail about every little thing. That would be a miserable kind of life. What I’m talking about is the man or woman who is ground down emotionally because they are never right, they apologize for everything even when they’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes just asking your partner to consider your needs too leads to recognizing that you do have needs that are as important to you as to him or her. Don’t make excuses for your spouse’s poor treatment of you. You are the only one who can stop it and you do that by not giving in for every decision or argument.

We are all perfect beings who deserve the love and respect of our partner. If you’re not getting it, get some change going on!

What you are about to read is only one piece of a 27-chapter collaborative e-book written to help you learn how to make your marriage extraordinary amongst the chaos of life. After reading this post, be sure to download a complete copy of LOVE EVERYDAY absolutely free!

DISH DUTY: Sharing Responsibility

I’ve talked with women from around the world in our chatrooms and many of them say the same thing when I ask why they spend so much time there. They all word it differently but the theme is always the same. Here’s a recent story told to me by a 37 year old woman in California.

“I am a mother, a wife and a working woman, so my life is really busy. I get up early, get the kids their breakfast and get them off to school and then I dash to my job. I love my job but I work on my feet a lot so I do get tired by the end of the day.

After work I hurry to the supermarket to pick up a few things for dinner, go home and start dinner. While that’s cooking, I get the kids started on their homework and toss in a load of washing. Before dinner is ready, my husband comes home just in time to sit down and eat. I do love dinner time because I’m sitting and able to enjoy my family.

Once dinner is over my husband goes to watch the news on TV and I clean up the kitchen, check the kids’ homework and put the clothes I washed into the dryer. I feed the dog, clean out the bird’s cage and get lunch organized for the next day.

Soon it’s bath and bedtime for the kids. I have one that still needs a story read every night so the whole good night show takes about 30-45 minutes. It will always be one of my best times of the day. After tuck-ins and kisses goodnight, I clean up the bathroom and head back to the laundry and toss in another load. I take a quick walk with the dog and then it’s about 9pm and I’m ready to relax.

Where’s my husband during all of this? Sound asleep in his chair in front of the TV. I’ve had a long day, I’m tired and I would love someone to talk to — someone who values my opinions and makes me feel desirable. I don’t get it at home. I don’t know how to get it at home. We have sex on Saturday night at 10:30pm.

I’ve asked and pleaded for more attention from him and all I get from him is, “You have to tell me what to do, I can’t dream it up. If you want me to empty the trash, just say so.”

Honestly, I don’t care so much that he doesn’t want to help me around the house, I’m used to that and I can cope, but what I can’t cope with is the loneliness I feel. I want to know I’m still important to him and I’m not and that makes me sad. We don’t argue, we get along okay and the kids are doing well in school and are happy.

I found that going to a chatroom takes my frustration away. Is it cheating on my husband? Maybe, but he doesn’t seem to care. By the time I’ve finished all the chores he’s always asleep in his chair. I see my friends in chat nearly every night. When I log on they ask me how my day has been or did anything important happen today. I get a chance to talk out my problems with someone who cares. It may be all virtual but it feels real to me.”

I remember asking my mother what she considered sexy in a man. I’ll never forget it. “The sexiest man in the world is the one who’s loading the dishwasher because that tells me that we’re in this together.”

Sure, it’s not always the man in the relationship who doesn’t put 50% of the work to keep a relationship strong. Where a husband and wife are really in it together, you won’t see either the husband or the wife spending night after night chatting online to friends they’ve never met.

Next Week: Don’t forget to check out Pillow Talk: Romance Through Words next week on Engaged Marriage!

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There are millions of men on the internet looking for a woman who still enjoys passion and intimacy in her life so what’s happened to all these wives and girlfriends who no longer feel sexy? Far too few of them seek any help dealing with their lack of any sex drive whatsoever.

Psychological Reasons

Lack of confidence in themselves or living with a lot of stress are two of the biggest causes of low sex drive in women. Marriages that started out with a slender bride but since that day she’s gained 100 pounds often end up sexless because the woman is so ashamed of how she’s let her body go. She knows she’s overweight so telling her to lose weight so she’ll feel sexy is only going to add more guilt on top of how she feels already. Take a different approach. Take the time to remind her that it’s the sexy woman inside her that excites you so much. Help to build her confidence by not reminding her that her ass is the size of a volkswagen and then asking her for sex. She’s definitely not going to feel in the mood.

Physical Reasons

Did you know that women who walk at least 30 minutes a day or exercise 20 to 30 minutes a day have a higher sex drive than women who don’t get much exercise at all? If your sweetie goes from one chair to another and then to the bed, why not encourage her to walk with you every night or join a gym together. Not only will you both feel better but you’ll get more sex.

The Pill

I was a young woman when the pill was introduced. Knowing we couldn’t get pregnant was a real boost to the sex drive for me and my friends. However, it also turned out that when we were on the pill all those fake hormone levels removed that peak sex drive boost we were all accustomed to during ovulation. The pill is improving every year but it’s still causing problems for some women.

Prescription Drugs

Most all drugs have side effects and a common one is reduced sex drive. Most blood pressure drugs kill a woman’s sex drive – so if a woman is on one (or two) that seem to leave her sexless, she should try another drug to see if she can control the hypertension and still have a good sex life. Antidepressants, antihistamines and many other drugs alter a woman’s sexuality. The good news is there are different drugs for nearly everything and if one type lowers your libido – try another.

Women who no longer feel sexy also feel really guilty about it even if they don’t say anything. If you’ve got a woman like this, complaining, arguing or getting angry isn’t going to help. The woman needs understanding and encouragement to seek help for the situation. It’s not normal not to feel sexy some of the time.

All I could think of was, “She’s not your child, she’s a human being who’s allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.” It also brought to mind that here she, as a woman, was under his complete control due to her fear of being hit (or worse) but he was free to make all the mistakes we all do from time to time but there were no consequences for him.

This is totally different from domestic discipline where one person wants and needs a spanking when they’ve done something wrong that they have previously agreed not to do. The man in the email is guilty of spousal abuse.

I can’t think of a time ever that corporal punishment, a spanking, a beating or verbal abuse is all right. It’s not right for any person to abuse another person. The problem is that it’s so damned difficult to get out of a relationship like that. The abuse starts slowly and over time there are probably as many good days as there are horrible days. Victims think, “today he/she is so kind and fun to be with, maybe I’m jumping the gun on leaving.” I know because I’ve been there.

I was never hit but I was verbally abused and denigrated to the point where I had no self-confidence whatsoever. I’d lost my sparkle. I’d lost my joy of living.

What made a difference for me? A new friend.

My friend asked me why I put up with abuse like that. I gotta tell you that when you’re in it, you don’t see it as abuse. You see it as you were wrong and you deserved what you got. Along the lines of “you made your bed, now lie in it,” which is what my mother told me when I complained to her once. So I asked my friend why she thought it was abuse. I got an hour long speech about how nobody has the right to discipline a partner if there isn’t a prior agreement and that I was a terrific person and I needed to do whatever I could to enable me to see my old self again. Well, I never made an agreement that I wanted to be corrected when I was “wrong.”

Over time and lots more conversations I did start to see my old self again. I had the talk with my husband that if things didn’t improve I would leave. I got just what you think I got, “You can’t leave me, nobody else would have you.” I left anyway.

Are you stuck in a relationship where you feel abused, denigrated, humiliated or worse? Nobody deserves that. Nobody should put up with it. Sure, life might be tough for a while but you’ll be amazed at how much you can deal with when you feel good about yourself.

Is your social life stuck? Too many people today are so busy with their job and their family and their commitments that they don’t spend much time at all being social. Some people are shy at first and find making friends uncomfortable or difficult. All of us who are in the slim social life group should make a pact that THIS YEAR is going to be the year that we break out of the rut we’re in. Here are a few tried and tested tips for making changes you can be proud of in your life.

Spend some time soul searching about what things you really enjoy doing. We all do things because our friends enjoy them or our family enjoys them but in this instance, let’s focus on what WE enjoy doing. Make the list as long as you want. Maybe you want to meet people in the swinger lifestyle or meet people who enjoy cooking and dinner parties or people who like to play chess or anything you can think of. There are people out there who’d welcome a new friend. Few people have too many friends.

Even if you’re shy, making friends is easy. You make friends by repeated exposure to one another. Check out an online chatroom or forum and you’ll see what I mean. People are friends because they chat back and forth nearly every day. That’s how friends are made on and off-line. If you go to a swingers club every weekend, you are bound to make new friends. If you play chess every Wednesday, you’re bound to make friends. It takes getting off your butt and doing something about it. We ARE in control of our lives if we want to be.

Still got your list of things you like to do? Join a dating site or social networking site and find someone to share these interests with! If you love seeing foreign films, write that in your profile or ad and find someone else who enjoys doing that too. Once you have a friend and if it’s a friend of the gender you’re attracted to and you like each other.. nature takes over and does all the work for you.

Every city has a newcomers club or association. It doesn’t matter if you’re not new – go along anyway. You’ll find other people who are looking to expand their circle of friends.

Don’t spend this year doing the same old things the same old way. Create the life you want. It’s more than possible.

That’s how my day started today and I can tell you that things have gone down from there. I burnt myself quite badly a couple of weeks ago and so I’m in a lot of pain. It was with boiling water and it’s big and you don’t want to know the rest. It’s gross. I started working (because I work every day) and I was uncomfortable and tired and cranky.

Some guy uploaded an erotic story and we view everything before it gets published on our site and it’s a good thing too. His story was a page and a half long and it was one sentence. Yep one sentence. So being the kind person that I am, I wrote to him and explained that nobody would read a story with only one sentence that went on for a page and a half. I even pasted his story back to him in case he hadn’t saved it. I asked him if he could please check it and add some punctuation and paragraphs.

He did his best and resubmitted it. There were paragraphs in there but it took me nearly 45 minutes to fix 328 errors in it. Now I know I should have just deleted the damn thing and just moved on but I felt bad that he was stupid and I fixed it. Then I was mad at myself for wasting all that time.

Truthfully, I’m rarely in a bad mood so when have the “can’t help its” they seem much worse than they really are. I’ve tried thinking a happy thought for 17 seconds and I smiled for 3 seconds and then I went right back to feeling pissy again.

Someone suggested that I should look at peaceful photographs. I tried that and all I saw were pictures of places I’d like to visit — without me in them.

Someone else suggested that I meditate. How can you meditate when all you really want to do is throw rocks?

What are your tricks for getting out of a shitty mood? My husband would like me to find out.

Experts will tell us that nearly 50% of all relationships will have one partner (sometimes both) who will stray from the relationship to form an emotional or sexual bond with another person. They’ll also tell you that a bout of infidelity hurts more than just about anything else that can happen to us in our lives. Infidelity hurts more than the death of a parent, loss of a job or physical abuse. I believe them.

It doesn’t matter how you find out, there is no easy way to get the information that the one person you trusted with every fiber of your being has been intimate with another person. Some people find out with private detectives, some get told by their friends and some of us trip over it on a computer. It hurts no matter how you find out.

I don’t think anyone who strays sets out to hurt their spouse or partner. I believe that. I think it happens in pretty much the same way for everyone. You find someone, get to talking and one thing leads to another and before you know it, you’re in the sack playing hide the sausage.

Once the affair is over and your partner wants to “make it all good again” is it possible? Can you ever look at them without thinking of what they did with someone else? I’m determined to find out.

For me there are four things that must happen for me to begin to trust again.

1. Honesty. I want to know all the details. I don’t want to wallow in them but I want to know how it happened. I need to know. How could I have missed it for so long?
2. Time. Until I feel confident, I want to know where he is. If he wants me to trust him then he’s got to give me the tools to do so.
3. Me. I want face to face, eye to eye contact and I want it often. I want to know that he’s my other half. I want to do things together — like the old times. I suppose I want to be wooed all over again. Sweep me off my feet. Make me feel special like I did before.
4. Love. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want to hear it and often. I want to be shown that he loves me. I have always put him first and I want to feel loved like he does.

In return I will do all I can to meet his needs and continue to care for and about him as I have since we met. Will it work? I’m not sure. Will I be ok if it doesn’t work? Absolutely. I’m no clinging vine and regardless what happens I will be just fine. Maybe I have a big ego but I have always told myself, if you’re not happy, do whatever you need to be to get to that state. For me, life is all about being happy and finding joy in every day.