Someone recently said something to me about relationships that too often a couple turn into a puppet and puppeteer. I asked what she meant by that and here’s what she said. It’s certainly food for thought. And could be a real deal.

A puppet has strings and its attached to a wooden holder that someone else controls. I think when you make the decision that the person you want more than anything in your life should be put on a pedestal like a prize you’ve won, you become the puppet and you emotionally turn the handle over to them. Everything they do pulls and tugs at your strings and thereby dictate your emotions and how you feel. It’s almost like you’re drawn to them by a huge magnet and can only survive if “they love you.”

When you’re the puppet your mind is fooled into believing that your happiness (or lack of it) is controlled by the person you are in love with. In your mind you make this person to be better than you, more attractive and nicer than they really are to you. It’s not their fault – you made them the puppeteer.

Sure there are jerks, pains in the ass and total bitches in the world who don’t care about other people’s feelings and they’ll stomp on your heart without any regret. Take a step back and remember that you chose to love them and you are the one who decided that this person meant so much to you. You didn’t listen to the voice inside that says, “this doesn’t feel good.” The voice is always there and it’s always right.

I asked if there was a way to stop this and was it only about romantic relationships. As she talked I instantly thought of other times in my life when I haven’t listened to the voice when it told me “this doesn’t feel good.”

Yes, the puppet and puppeteer can be romantic relationships, family ties or even who you consider to be your best friend.

“Let me ask you a question,” she said. Who is in charge of YOUR emotional happiness?”

“Who do you consider is better than you and who you should defer your happiness for?”

If you can list any names, then you can choose today to change your mind. Nobody is better than you and nobody should have control over your happiness. There are people with more degrees, more money, less money, better looks, worse looks – but nobody is better than someone else. It’s up to you to choose happiness or choose heartbreak. You don’t have to be a puppet or puppeteer. Life is much better dealing as equals.

Think she’s full of crap? I can look back in my life and see times that I was a puppet and a puppeteer. That there were times that I was the one pulling the strings and there were times also that the strings were on me.

Aretha Franklin said it for us in her song R E S P E C T. How do you get someone to respect you? I must get asked that question at least once a week. It goes along with why won’t people reply to emails, why won’t someone talk to you if you don’t have a photo on your profile and most often, why does someone think that because I’m on SexyAds that it’s okay to talk crudely to me? These key factors will help you to gain the respect you deserve.

* First you have to respect yourself. Don’t put up with any crap just to be with someone. It doesn’t matter how rich or attractive, if they don’t respect you, you don’t belong there. It’s far better to be alone than be mistreated.

* Show respect to your partner. Don’t be bossy or controlling and never ever put your partner down for any emotion he or she is feeling.

* Be your own person. If you live your life totally around another person with no interests of your own, then you are setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Nobody can be responsible for your happiness or for meeting all your needs. Create your own interests and pursue them with an eye to keeping a good balance in your life.

* Be Yourself. If the person you’re trying to get or keep in your life says they really like something, don’t toss yourself into it just so you can please them. It will all fall in a heap, I promise. One day you’ll realize that you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t worth all the effort you put into becoming who you aren’t. You’ll have wasted a lot of time you could have been spending with someone more compatible with who you are.

* Have sex when YOU’RE ready. Sure, it’s 2010 but there is no requirement that you have sex on the first date. Sure, if it’s something you’re comfortable with and you want, I say go for it, but if you’re doing it just so you can be sure of date #2, it’s a mistake. Waiting for sex until you’re sure might show that you’re worth the wait.

* If you’re answering ads on SexyAds (or any other site of an adult nature) you don’t have to be crude and write, “I’d love to come all over your tits,” as an introductory email. If you can’t say it to a stranger at the veggie stand, then it’s probably not going to work here either. The people are real, only their nicknames aren’t.

Respect is always a two-way street. If you’re a controlling bitch or bastard, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. If you’re a wimp who never stands up for him or herself, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. I am not trying to piss anyone off here but sometimes the truth hurts. Treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around.

I read an article the other day about a woman who believes that people in relationships should consider “contractual infidelity.” She went on about how a couple could discuss having sex with another partner and what the rules were. In her mind, sexual intercourse (hereafter called fucking) wasn’t a problem for her or her husband but spooning afterward was in the forbidden list. I suppose she’s saying that recreational sex is okay but if there is any emotional connection between her husband and another woman, then she’d be mightily pissed off.

My mind kept saying, “Get real, woman!” Unless we could write a contract between us as a couple that said you can fuck but not talk and you couldn’t fuck the same one twice because then there might be an emotional tie, it would be unworkable. Human nature does have a part to play in this sex business. The woman needs to realize that the way she met her husband and eventually married him is the same way her husband is going to meet other women and she’s going to meet other men. Why wouldn’t natural instincts of caring and even love develop between them?

Don’t misunderstand, I believe that everyone deserves a great sex life and I also believe that we go through life once and to live it always hankering for passion, intimacy and plain old fucking is wrong. I think infidelity comes from lack of attention, approval or sex-using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner loneliness. Lack of sexual satisfaction in the context of marriage is one reason why partners cheat. I think couples should discuss what will happen if one partner’s sex drive takes a dump. Should the partner who still feels sexy be required to sort out sexuality with a good right hand or a BOB ? It’s time humans realized that one person might not be able to meet a person’s needs physically or emotionally.

Would you sign an infidelity contract with your husband or partner? Would you prefer that your partner talk about his or her physical or emotional needs not being met before they found someone else to help? I would.

When there’s a disagreement between you and your partner, are you always the one who gives in first? Sometimes it’s very frustrating when one half of a relationship “gives up” just to keep peace. Also, there seems a time that there are more than two people in a relationship that dictates where your relationship and your lives should be headed. Don’t let them walk over you or your relationship.

In all relationships there needs to be give and take to be truly considered a good and healthy relationship. When one always gives and the other always takes, that’s how relationships get broken. If compromise at your place means you’re the one who’s always saying, “I’m sorry,” then it’s time for you to learn that compromise isn’t a one-way street.

Rather than continue being the always yes always sorry doormat, the next time that your partner or spouse asks you to do something that you don’t want to, say no. They may be surprised and expect you to give in easily because you always do, but this time stand your ground and most of all, stay calm. Explain why you can’t or don’t want to do it and what other options there are. If they are persistent or even difficult, it might be tempting to give in to keep peace, but don’t. A relationship needs to be balanced. You must please yourself first rather than your partner.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean fighting tooth and nail about every little thing. That would be a miserable kind of life. What I’m talking about is the man or woman who is ground down emotionally because they are never right, they apologize for everything even when they’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes just asking your partner to consider your needs too leads to recognizing that you do have needs that are as important to you as to him or her. Don’t make excuses for your spouse’s poor treatment of you. You are the only one who can stop it and you do that by not giving in for every decision or argument.

We are all perfect beings who deserve the love and respect of our partner. If you’re not getting it, get some change going on!

Last Week: In case you missed it, How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive was posted at Project Happily Ever After.

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DISH DUTY: Sharing Responsibility

I’ve talked with women from around the world in our chatrooms and many of them say the same thing when I ask why they spend so much time there. They all word it differently but the theme is always the same. Here’s a recent story told to me by a 37 year old woman in California.

“I am a mother, a wife and a working woman, so my life is really busy. I get up early, get the kids their breakfast and get them off to school and then I dash to my job. I love my job but I work on my feet a lot so I do get tired by the end of the day.

After work I hurry to the supermarket to pick up a few things for dinner, go home and start dinner. While that’s cooking, I get the kids started on their homework and toss in a load of washing. Before dinner is ready, my husband comes home just in time to sit down and eat. I do love dinner time because I’m sitting and able to enjoy my family.

Once dinner is over my husband goes to watch the news on TV and I clean up the kitchen, check the kids’ homework and put the clothes I washed into the dryer. I feed the dog, clean out the bird’s cage and get lunch organized for the next day.

Soon it’s bath and bedtime for the kids. I have one that still needs a story read every night so the whole good night show takes about 30-45 minutes. It will always be one of my best times of the day. After tuck-ins and kisses goodnight, I clean up the bathroom and head back to the laundry and toss in another load. I take a quick walk with the dog and then it’s about 9pm and I’m ready to relax.

Where’s my husband during all of this? Sound asleep in his chair in front of the TV. I’ve had a long day, I’m tired and I would love someone to talk to — someone who values my opinions and makes me feel desirable. I don’t get it at home. I don’t know how to get it at home. We have sex on Saturday night at 10:30pm.

I’ve asked and pleaded for more attention from him and all I get from him is, “You have to tell me what to do, I can’t dream it up. If you want me to empty the trash, just say so.”

Honestly, I don’t care so much that he doesn’t want to help me around the house, I’m used to that and I can cope, but what I can’t cope with is the loneliness I feel. I want to know I’m still important to him and I’m not and that makes me sad. We don’t argue, we get along okay and the kids are doing well in school and are happy.

I found that going to a chatroom takes my frustration away. Is it cheating on my husband? Maybe, but he doesn’t seem to care. By the time I’ve finished all the chores he’s always asleep in his chair. I see my friends in chat nearly every night. When I log on they ask me how my day has been or did anything important happen today. I get a chance to talk out my problems with someone who cares. It may be all virtual but it feels real to me.”

I remember asking my mother what she considered sexy in a man. I’ll never forget it. “The sexiest man in the world is the one who’s loading the dishwasher because that tells me that we’re in this together.”

Sure, it’s not always the man in the relationship who doesn’t put 50% of the work to keep a relationship strong. Where a husband and wife are really in it together, you won’t see either the husband or the wife spending night after night chatting online to friends they’ve never met.

Next Week: Don’t forget to check out Pillow Talk: Romance Through Words next week on Engaged Marriage!

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