What? Brushing your teeth of course! A new survey has revealed that not having breath like a sailor’s fart means you’ll have more success in love and probably in every other aspect of your life. I suppose it seems obvious, but then…

The survey, conducted by a group called pureprofile on behalf of dental products group Oral B, questioned 1001 people across Australia and discovered that 96 per cent of Australians surveyed agreed that bad oral hygiene affected the enjoyment of kissing. Now really, did Oral B have to ask that question? What I want to know is, who are the 4% who didn’t think stinky breath affected their quality of kissing. Maybe they always have bad breath so it didn’t matter? Gross!!!

It gets worse, I’m afraid. Sixty-one per cent of respondents say they have stopped kissing someone because of bad oral hygiene. I suppose that means the kissee’s breath was so bad they could light it like a citronella candle to keep the bugs away. Now stick with me here.. if these people STOPPED kissing because of gross mouth odor, wouldn’t you think they could have smelled it from across the room and not started kissing in the first place? Now for the 39 per cent who didn’t stop kissing when faced with really bad breath, they must have wanted kissing a lot more than I do.

Break this statistic down along gender lines and women take a civilizing step up (to 70 per cent) while men – and you know who you are – plummet to a grubby 54 per cent. So does this mean that 46 per cent of men would happily swap spit with a woman whose mouth reeks like weekend roadkill on a hot Florida highway?

Might this be the reason for binge drinking? Maybe that’s the only way they can get close to their sweetie for a smooch? Perhaps what you thought were tears of joy when they looked you in the eye, weren’t.

The survey also concluded that bad oral hygiene can also affect your career. High income earners (greater than $120,000 a year) questioned believe people with bad breath are less likely to be promoted at work. They are also assumed to be less disciplined and less professional. So, if you don’t want to wile away the hours in middle management, brush your freakin teeth more often! There is definitely something in this about the sweet smell of success.

I suppose everyone is different in what sort of kisser they’re looking for but that doesn’t matter, if the kisser you’ve got is missing the mark on what trips your trigger, what do you do?

For me the wet kisser turns me off. He comes at me with his lips parted and I swear he slobbered on them first so my entire upper lip is wet. Gross! I’ve had a few men kiss me that way and I can’t wait for it to end.

Friends of mine were discussing this when we got together for coffee yesterday. I’m not alone in wanting a good kisser but is there an easy way to retrain one?

Yes, it’s called honesty.

Nobody is a shitty kisser on purpose. They all learned the same way we did. We kissed our wrists, didn’t we? Unfortunately our wrists didn’t kiss back and therein lies the problem. So we tell them how we would like to be kissed. We do risk them saying that they like kisses like they give and would like to get them in return. If that happens, it’s back to the online dating site for you.

I suspect what you’ll get is thanks for agreeing for more practice. If you practice until you get kissed in a way that makes you ache for more, it’s definitely a win-win situation for you and for your relationship with the formerly bad kisser.