I’m convinced that if more people tried to win the “gammon of bacon” prize on Flitch Day, the world would be a better place. Frankly until a few weeks ago I’d never heard of Flitch Day and maybe you haven’t either.

Flitch Day a custom founded in England by Juga, a noble lady, in 1111, and restored by Robert de Fitzwalter in 1244; which was, that “any person from any part of England going to Dunmow, in Essex, and humbly kneeling on two stones at the church door, may claim a gammon of bacon, if he can swear that for twelve months and a day he has never had a household brawl or wished himself unmarried.”

These days the ceremony is held every four years and today’s the day!

Here’s the oath that’s said in rhyme:

We do swear by custom of confession
That we ne’re made nuptial transgression
Nor since we were married man and wife
By household brawl or contentious strife,
Or otherwise at bed or board,
Offended each other in deed or word;
Or since the parish clerk said amen,
Wished ourselves unmarried again;
Or in a twelvemonth and a day
Repented in thought in any way,
But continue true and in desire
As when we joined in holy quire.”

The officer who administers the oath then replies:

“Since to these conditions, without any fear,
Of your own accord you do freely swear,
A whole flitch of bacon you shall receive,
And bear it hence with love and good leave;
For this is our custom at Dunmow well known
Though the pleasure be ours, the bacon’s your own.”

If we all tried “bringing home the bacon” maybe we’d be nicer to everyone we know and that would change the world. Hey, I think I’m on to something here!

What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas right? There’s the tree, the presents, the midnight church services, the music, the carols, Santa, the elves, Rudolph, the halls are decked, the endless array of Christmas cards and all the family comes around. Now THAT’S a holiday. Now please don’t go ranting all over half o Georgia telling me that Easter is about the death and rising of Jesus. We all know that. Christmas is about his birth but people really know how to have a good time on that holiday so why not this one?

That’s what I’m talking about here. Easter has a few eggs and they’re delivered by a rabbit. How did the rabbit get in there? For that matter, why colored eggs? Why chocolate? I don’t know anyone who says Easter is their favorite holiday. For pete’s sake, nobody knows when Easter is until the day before practically. I like a holiday that I can plan ahead. I always know December 25th is the day that will arrive without all my gifts being bought.

At least with Easter there aren’t any gifts to worry about. I don’t like that. I want presents and if we could get presents on every holiday I’d raise my hand to vote for it. People are kinder when they get presents.

The Easter holiday officially starts on Maundy Thursday – the date of the Last Supper. Most people think Easter starts at noon on Friday but they’d be wrong. To me, Easter starts the day the gas prices go up.

Oh don’t get me started — Good Friday? How can they say it’s good when it was a horrible day? It’s like saying you had a good migraine yesterday because it stopped today. What about Sad Friday? Sorrowful Friday — anything but good.

Easter is a holiday that goes on forever, no wonder we have such a tough time polishing it up. We’re up to Holy Saturday now – in wait mode and then there’s Easter Sunday. What do people do on Easter? My family always ate. After we ate, then we’d think about what we were going to eat next. Then we’d sit around talking about how good the food was and will be. Finally we have Easter Monday for those who get the day off for Easter but since they’re already off anyway, they get Monday too. Too bad they have to sit at home because the gas prices are too high to go anywhere. Camp in the back yard I say!

I think it’s time to turn Easter into a fully fledged fun holiday with a fancy tree to stand around singing nifty songs we’ll all remember, special foods we only eat at Easter, and an old man dressed up funny that gives out presents. I love presents.

During a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who was never the sharpest tool in the box, and knows nothing about the game, greets him in a typically Irish manner completely unaware of who he is.

“Top o’ the marnin’ to ya, sur,” says the attendant. Tiger nods his head in acknowledgement and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose?” the attendant asked.

“They’re called tees” replied Tiger.

“Bejasus – what on God’s earth are dey for?” asked the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.” replied Tiger.

“Fookin’ Bejaysus!” exclaimed the Irishman, “Dem Germans tink of everything!”

It’s Valentine’s Day and you don’t have a date. Normally not having a date doesn’t bother you very much. Today, seeing all your friends, workmates and others sharing their love publically by exchanging gifts, candy, sexy undies or flowers makes you think twice. Ok, it’s the sexy undies that make you think twice.

Later you find yourself at the bar or pub drinking a few more than you’d planned on, hoping to find someone who’s also experiencing a drought in the dating department. Be careful when trolling for dates while you’re drinking.

The Beer Goggles Effect

In a study conducted by researchers at England’s Manchester University in 2005, scientists studied the extent of the “beer goggle” effect on a given individual in a given situation. They found that alcohol is not really the only factor affecting the drunken perception of beauty. Other factors, according to their research, include:

* How well lit the area is
* The quality of your eyesight
* The amount of smoke in the air
* The distance between you and the target

For instance.. The woman on the left is the real woman. She’s not overly attractive and honestly, after a few beers, she’s still going to be less attractive than the women on the right.

So be careful out there. Valentine’s Day is only one day of the year. Get past it. The beer goggles effect is real and you don’t want to have to saw your arm off in the morning.

You’ve got plenty of time to find someone special who’ll spoil you rotten and will have wild and crazy sex with you.

Not getting lucky often enough? Leave a comment and I’ll do my best to give you some advice.

At least I thought I was born in the year of the rat. I saw an Asian astrologer on CNN earlier today that said people who are born in the year of the rat are going to have a great romantic year in 2008 and I was thinkin… yeah.. cool. My daughter-in-law is Chinese and I was on skype wishing her a happy new year and I was bragging about my love luck in 2008 because I was born in the year of the rat.

She congratulated me and then said, “Mom, are you sure you’re a rat? I am not 100% certain but I think you’re a pig.”

GASP!!!!

Me? A Pig? I’ve lived 60 years under the impression that I’m a rat and I learn that I’m a pig? What’s up about that? Look up any birth chart in any Chinese restaurant in the US and I’m a rat. How much more exact do you need than that?

Wellsir, rats go to January 28th and I’m a 29th woman. THAT makes me a pig.

So, feeling all dejected I decided to look up Chinese astrology and see what my sign is going to provide in the way of luck now that I know I’m a pig. I was getting really excited about my man being all romantic and loving and getting big presents. But then I saw my Chinese horoscope.

It’s not love I’m going to get but money !!! So should I be more excited about money than I was about love? I shouldn’t be but I have to admit that I instantly started thinking.. new boat. new boat. new boat.

If you see me tootling along in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand in a boat anytime soon, just tell your friends, “It was all pig luck.”