Comments you’ll hear on Thanksgiving day. Swingers?

“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open &stuff it in.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Just lay back &take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
“Let’s do it in the Dining Room”

It’s a brand new year and you can start over! If 2008 wasn’t your best dating and flirting year, you change it! Decide right this minute that 2009 will surely bring someone new and exciting into your life! Let that fun, fearless and flirty person that’s been hiding inside you to shine!

There are so many things that you can try to do this 2009 to change and improve your dating life! Make sure that your dating radar is working. Too often men and women don’t pick up on the subtle messages they receive so they miss out on a good thing. Make a list of all the qualities you *must* have in a relationship and don’t settle for less. You won’t be happy and the relationship won’t last. Enjoy dating them but don’t make them a keeper unless all your must haves are covered.

With the New Year comes the opportunity to flaunt the flirt in you. It’s all very simple. When on the net or out in public places like clubs and entertainment venues, try to be bold and snag the one that you have your eye on. Flash the one you want with your warmest and sexiest smile! That one smile can change the way your luck has been running! A big smile will surely get you noticed! If he or she doesn’t move in, well it’s their loss, right? Remember that momma always said there were more fish in the sea. Every one that doesn’t bite is just a practice cast!

As we move into 2009, if you’re feeling unlucky in the dating department, don’t despair! You have 12 brand new months to change things around. Remember that you can never change other people, so if you aren’t getting the attention you want.. you have to change yourself. You have to believe in yourself and what you can do. By channeling a bit of positive thinking, it will reflect in your outlook and this will be noticed by others. So look in the mirror every day and see someone that everyone wants to get to know. You’ll get fireworks on more than New Year’s Eve!


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I’m convinced that if more people tried to win the “gammon of bacon” prize on Flitch Day, the world would be a better place. Frankly until a few weeks ago I’d never heard of Flitch Day and maybe you haven’t either.

Flitch Day a custom founded in England by Juga, a noble lady, in 1111, and restored by Robert de Fitzwalter in 1244; which was, that “any person from any part of England going to Dunmow, in Essex, and humbly kneeling on two stones at the church door, may claim a gammon of bacon, if he can swear that for twelve months and a day he has never had a household brawl or wished himself unmarried.”

These days the ceremony is held every four years and today’s the day!

Here’s the oath that’s said in rhyme:

We do swear by custom of confession
That we ne’re made nuptial transgression
Nor since we were married man and wife
By household brawl or contentious strife,
Or otherwise at bed or board,
Offended each other in deed or word;
Or since the parish clerk said amen,
Wished ourselves unmarried again;
Or in a twelvemonth and a day
Repented in thought in any way,
But continue true and in desire
As when we joined in holy quire.”

The officer who administers the oath then replies:

“Since to these conditions, without any fear,
Of your own accord you do freely swear,
A whole flitch of bacon you shall receive,
And bear it hence with love and good leave;
For this is our custom at Dunmow well known
Though the pleasure be ours, the bacon’s your own.”

If we all tried “bringing home the bacon” maybe we’d be nicer to everyone we know and that would change the world. Hey, I think I’m on to something here!

What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas right? There’s the tree, the presents, the midnight church services, the music, the carols, Santa, the elves, Rudolph, the halls are decked, the endless array of Christmas cards and all the family comes around. Now THAT’S a holiday. Now please don’t go ranting all over half o Georgia telling me that Easter is about the death and rising of Jesus. We all know that. Christmas is about his birth but people really know how to have a good time on that holiday so why not this one?

That’s what I’m talking about here. Easter has a few eggs and they’re delivered by a rabbit. How did the rabbit get in there? For that matter, why colored eggs? Why chocolate? I don’t know anyone who says Easter is their favorite holiday. For pete’s sake, nobody knows when Easter is until the day before practically. I like a holiday that I can plan ahead. I always know December 25th is the day that will arrive without all my gifts being bought.

At least with Easter there aren’t any gifts to worry about. I don’t like that. I want presents and if we could get presents on every holiday I’d raise my hand to vote for it. People are kinder when they get presents.

The Easter holiday officially starts on Maundy Thursday – the date of the Last Supper. Most people think Easter starts at noon on Friday but they’d be wrong. To me, Easter starts the day the gas prices go up.

Oh don’t get me started — Good Friday? How can they say it’s good when it was a horrible day? It’s like saying you had a good migraine yesterday because it stopped today. What about Sad Friday? Sorrowful Friday — anything but good.

Easter is a holiday that goes on forever, no wonder we have such a tough time polishing it up. We’re up to Holy Saturday now – in wait mode and then there’s Easter Sunday. What do people do on Easter? My family always ate. After we ate, then we’d think about what we were going to eat next. Then we’d sit around talking about how good the food was and will be. Finally we have Easter Monday for those who get the day off for Easter but since they’re already off anyway, they get Monday too. Too bad they have to sit at home because the gas prices are too high to go anywhere. Camp in the back yard I say!

I think it’s time to turn Easter into a fully fledged fun holiday with a fancy tree to stand around singing nifty songs we’ll all remember, special foods we only eat at Easter, and an old man dressed up funny that gives out presents. I love presents.

During a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who was never the sharpest tool in the box, and knows nothing about the game, greets him in a typically Irish manner completely unaware of who he is.

“Top o’ the marnin’ to ya, sur,” says the attendant. Tiger nods his head in acknowledgement and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose?” the attendant asked.

“They’re called tees” replied Tiger.

“Bejasus – what on God’s earth are dey for?” asked the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.” replied Tiger.

“Fookin’ Bejaysus!” exclaimed the Irishman, “Dem Germans tink of everything!”