Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, ‘Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, ‘Never mind. I found one.’

I found this posted in a blog by Thickheadedbeast on our dating site. I laughed on some of them so thought I’d share it with you.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood..
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-Kay-shon) n .
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female….. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A peek at conversations between a couple in a relationship.

He said .. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . …. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ….Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said . .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said …. . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. .Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.


LIKE THIS?


This is a poster from 1919 just before prohibition in the US. Have a look at these fine ladies of the temperance league, will ya?

Seriously, would YOU quit drinking to go home to one of these? I’m a woman and they scare me, especially that one on the right in the front row. Imagine sidling up to one of them and asking for a kiss. You’d have to be drunk so they’d look a bit fuzzy.

Sing it to the tune of I Will Survive!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I’d spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on…
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you’ve brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now – go! , Walk out the door,
Don’t you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren’t you a brat to think I wouldn’t find you out!?
Don’t you know we’re only joking when we say size don’t count??

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I’m saving all my lovin’ for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!