Today we got the newest all time funniest ad and the poor bloke who wrote it has no clue what he’s really said. I’m sure he meant nurtured but here’s the ad:

Women are a gift to us, they need to be cherished and neutered.

It gives a mental picture quite different from what he intended, doesn’t it?

My advice to anyone writing a profile or bio on the net to please, please, please read it before you close down the website. We all get interrupted mid-sentence from time to time and that’s when most of our goofiest mistakes happen. Also changing a sentence and then not proofreading it can provide a few moments of laughter at the writer’s expense.

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one…

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice … I found I couldn’t stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there’s a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn’t know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn’t sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

Wouldn’t you guys love to play with your computer games with this?

Press on, now!

1. Stay out of trouble

2. Aim for greater heights

3. Stay focused on your job

4. Exercise to maintain good health

5. Practice teamwork

6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back, but take your time trusting others

7. Save for a rainy day

8. Rest and relax

9. Always take time to smile, it makes the world a better place

10. Realize that NOTHING is impossible

Read aloud for best results. Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking “funny” for a while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the FarEast Economic Review…

Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees”

Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service”

RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”

G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs”

RS: “Ow July den?”

G: “What??”

RS: “Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?

G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”

G: “Crisp will be fine.”

RS : “Hokay. An San tos?”

G: “What?”

RS: “San tos. July San tos?”

G: “I don’t think so”

RS: “No? Judo one toes??”

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”

RS: “Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”

G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine.”

RS: “We bother?”

G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”

RS: “Wad?”

G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

RS: “Copy?”

G: “Sorry?”

RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”

G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”

RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”

G: “Whatever you say”

RS: “Tendjewberrymud”

G : “You’re welcome.”

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”