I spent some time in the chatroom at SexyAds.com this week and happened upon a conversation several women were having about wanting to find a man because life was too hard on their own. After reading the screen for about five minutes I couldn’t contain myself any longer and told them that they were doing it all wrong.

All of the women involved were in their mid 30s to mid 40s and all had jobs. None were on welfare or unable to work. I asked them to tell me specifically how a man could make life better for them. In unison they all said a man would bring more money to the family bank account.

If I were a man that would make me throw up. I told them what they were saying was that it didn’t matter what kind of a person he was, just as long as he had a wallet to share.

Women need to care for themselves. If they don’t earn enough at their jobs to buy all they need, then start an online business on Ebay or get a paper route or bake things and sell them at the local farmer’s market.

What’s interesting to me is when I see a woman who happily takes care of her own affairs, that woman is most always capable of finding a really wonderful partner. She finds him because she wants him, not because she needs him. I know we all like to feel needed but not in the desperate way these women were talking about.

If they find a man who’ll take care of them, the risk is that he will also control them too. It’s the old “I make the gold, therefore I make the rules” routine.

My advice was for them to take care of themselves first, even if it meant having fewer luxury items, because they’ll have a fantastic feeling of empowerment.

Ok, what is it with some women who won’t look at a man who’s going or is already bald? For goodness sake, men have been going bald for oh, I don’t know, about a gazillion years. It’s not their fault. They aren’t bald because they masturbated when they were young or because they used the wrong brand of toothpaste or heaven forbid because they told too many lies. It’s genetic and it doesn’t affect their personality one single bit.

“A bald man isn’t attractive to me,” one woman said recently.

So turn off the lights! She’d met someone online who has a bald spot at the back of his head and she couldn’t see it in his profile photo and she was outraged that he hadn’t told her about it. She wanted me to “out” him as a liar. Well, in the first place, we never out anyone, but secondly, what a stupid, shallow woman she was. Bald men, just as men with a shock of really thick hair are not much different if you ask me. You can clean them both up really nicely (oh wait, except for the really horrible comb-overs.. ) and they’re really attractive and very sexy. Old Yul Brynner never had trouble picking up chicks! He made it chiq to shave it all off. What is up with women who won’t date men who have hair loss?

I suspect she really doesn’t like men at all and only tolerates them if they have hair. She’s probably constipated too.

I received an email this week from a guy complaining that he had written to four women on Monday and not one of them had replied and could I please tell him what kind of flimflam joint I was running. Like every other site, we do get people who complain from time to time and every time it happens – I hate it. We try really hard to provide a great place to meet new people but we’re not perfect so when we’ve done something wrong, we own up and apologize. I didn’t have to apologize today.

It turns out that this Mr. Wonderful had indeed written to four women, none of whom replied to him. On that bit, he was certainly right. When I looked up his details, his nickname was “lickmybutt” with a few numbers at the end. I won’t put the exact nickname here for obvious reasons. He was on the high side of 40 and lived in a small town in the mid-west. A very small town. So first off, he’s not going to get huge numbers of women to contact within 4 miles of his home, but what woman is going to reply to a nickname like that in the first place?

He might very well like getting his butt licked but is that how you want to start up a conversation? Imagine inviting HIM to your next cocktail party!

“Hello, I’d like to introduce my friend Mike, he just moved in 3 doors down,” you say.

“Hi, most people call me Mike but online I’m known as Lickmybutt,” he says with a big smile.

DEAD SILENCE

So you can imagine the fun I had explaining that it wasn’t my fault that he was stupid. He (and frankly a few other men online) don’t stop to think that the people on dating sites are normal, everyday people that you’d meet anywhere in your town. If he would be uncomfortable saying something to a stranger at the grocery store, he shouldn’t say it online to a person he’s trying to impress enough to get a date in person.

I asked him to change his nickname, upload a photo with his smiling face on it and to write to the same four women and see if he got a different response. He did! Two women have already replied to him and he has since written an apology to me along with thanks for being honest about what he’d done. Of course I did the superior dance around my office. I love it when people finally “get it” about online dating. It’s the same as in person dating except you aren’t in the same room.

That’s the subject line of an email we send out at SexyAds.com when someone has made a comment on a member’s profile or photograph and it can’t go public until they approve it. We were sending out a notice when the comment was received but it didn’t seem to get noticed. Obviously it was a crap wording because it didn’t convey what was really going on.

I couldn’t figure out why more people weren’t coming back in to see what others were writing. When you create a profile or place an ad on a dating site, you want to know who’s been looking at you. One of the most popular links is the one that tells members how many profile hits they’ve had since they logged in last. So I went to sleep and thought about how I could let people know in a way that was meaningful.

When I woke up, I knew it was peeking. I wrote a short memo letting them know that someone had been peeking at their profile (or photo) and had left a comment and here was the login url to read it and approve it (or delete it, if it didn’t please them). Sure enough, people started coming back to read and approve. People who are serious about meeting online are coming back and leaving comments for others.

The commenting on profiles and photos is fairly recent for us and we’re overwhelmed at how many people check out the photos and leave really nice notes. One I read yesterday made me crack up. He said, “Oh my god.. if I don’t get to meet you my life will never be the same. You are a goddess.” I clicked on the woman’s photo and if she was under 250 pounds I’m 10 feet tall. It just goes to prove what I always say – there is someone for everyone and the “two tits on a stick” figure type is not the most popular body size by far.

One of the biggest problems for women looking for dates on the Internet is saying no thanks. I was talking with one of our members at SexyAds.com today who said she’d narrowed down her list of potential keepers to 3. She thought about it and analyzed her feelings and decided she didn’t feel any sexual attraction to one of the men. So far, so good, right? She’d had enough responses to narrow down to three and then found 2 she wanted to check out further.

She told the man that she liked him as a friend but couldn’t see any relationship because she was not sexually attracted to him at all. Instead of thanking her for her honesty and moving on, which is what you’d do, right? No no, here’s what he did.

He wrote back and asked what he’d done wrong. She told him he’d done nothing wrong at all, it had nothing to do with him but it was her lack of sexual attraction for him and that was nature. Still, that wasn’t enough.

He wrote back and this time began belittling her for not realizing what a catch he was. I would have tossed it in the bin but she chose to answer one more time and said she was sorry he was hurt but she had done nothing to hurt him other than to say she wasn’t attracted to him and wished him well in finding someone who would be really attracted to him.

Did he move on?

No, of course he didn’t. He wrote again and this time was abusive and mean.

That’s where I come in because she asks me what to do and should she leave the website because she feels bad that she’s hurt this poor guy. Poor guy? It drives me nuts. Men say they are angry that women won’t answer every email and then when they do they get shit like this to deal with.

If you’re a guy and you’re looking for love online. Please, please be grateful that someone says no thanks and move on to better prospects. You’ll get confirmation that the woman was real and that your mail was read and next time maybe change your response a little bit.