Eric Ivy contacted me today to let me know that his new site, The Dating Matrix, is now live. He spends all his time helping people to make the best connections for themselves.

He’s got a book called The Dating Matrix which is a 28 day program for changing your life from lonely to fantastic. Remember the old saying.. “Nothing works unless you do” and that phrase is certainly true where finding a life partner is concerned. You can’t just sit around and wait for Santa to bring you a lover all wrapped up in tissue paper.

I hear from both men and women all the time who tell me that they try and try and just can’t seem to make a good connection. Either nobody replies to their ads or email or they seem choose one wrong person after another until they give up.

Well, for those of you in that situation, this book will help. I’ve been in the dating business for over 10 years and frankly, some people aren’t too good at it but everyone can learn. The Dating Matrix will break it all down into little bits that you can do to change your life. Imagine yourself a month from now with someone who just melts when you look into their eyes. It can happen but you’ll have to take the first step. Just a tiny step but one that you’ll always be grateful that you did.

Every week I run into people who appear to have given up on their goal of finding a new partner, whether it’s a long term marriage commitment or even a casual relationship. It always intrigues me because I’d never give up. I know that if I were alone today that I could find someone to spend time with. I just know it all the way to my bones. So why don’t they?

Self-confidence is a problem for many. They don’t think someone like them just the way they are. To be honest, in some cases it’s true. If someone doesn’t like themselves very much, chances are nobody else is going to like them either. Most people in this group should make a list of their good qualities and see just how special they really are.

Then there are the ones who tend to give up rather than feel like a failure if they don’t find someone right away. Seriously, does it matter to anyone whether you’re with a partner or not? Maybe your mother but frankly, that’s it. Nobody really gives a shit, and even if they notice, they’ll only notice it for about 5 minutes and then they’re on to thinking about someone else.

Some people think that dating and meeting new people takes too much time and they don’t have much to spare. In reality, it does take a bit of time but that’s what quality lives are made of. Our personalities are forged by the friends we have and if you don’t have many, you’re a pretty sad person I think, and your personality has suffered for it.

So if you’re looking for a new relationship in your life and you’ve read this far, I’ve got good advice for you.

Keep on trying. Join a dating site if you haven’t already and write to as many people as you can that you think might fit your requirements. Be as particular as you want to be because there are lots and lots of people looking on any day that you show up.

My sage advice (I’m old you know):

Don’t worry that you’ll write to a bunch of people who won’t reply or won’t want to meet you. It doesn’t matter. You won’t be right for everyone. The real fact is that you won’t get a reply from any email you don’t send.

LIKE THIS?

Yesterday one of our staffers brought a member problem to me to decide how to handle it. A woman has been a paying member since 2002 (yep, that’s right) and her credit card is going to be updated and she’s afraid she will have to pay the current membership fee which is well above what it cost in 2002. I told my employee how to handle it so the woman could continue paying the same price but it made me think.

Why would anyone need to be a member of a dating site for more than 6 years?

Surely in that amount of time you could find someone to go out with. The more I thought about it, the more curious I became so I decided to do some investigating and see what she’s been up to.

Sure enough, she joined in 2002 and has written to ….get ready for it… more than 1000 men. Most have written back to her according to the logs. At first I thought maybe she was a professional who was using our site to get customers but I noticed one name in the logs that I recognized so I wrote to him and asked about her. Turns out, she just loves to date. She doesn’t want a relationship that lasts very long because she likes the excitement of a new relationship.

In all the years I’ve been running a dating site, I’d never met a female serial dater like this. I’ve seen a bargeful of men who are afraid of commitment but most women are looking for a more secure relationship.

I was intrigued.

So I wrote to her and thanked her for being such a loyal member of our site and could she indulge me and answer a few questions. Here are the questions and her answers.

How many men have you met in person? More than 250

How many of these men did you meet for a second date? About 20 or 30

How often do you meet men for dates? Every weekend

Do you usually have sex on the first date? It all depends – many times I do but not always

Are you a member at other adult dating sites? No, I keep busy right here and I love the chatrooms

Do you think you’ll ever settle down with just one? Maybe. I’m 42 now and as I get older I might want just one but at the moment I crave variety.

Mr. Flirty keeps telling me that my own views are not the views of every woman and this one has really shaken me. I have a tough time with the first time naked scene so it would be difficult to be with a different man every weekend. Could you date different people every weekend for years?

One thing I always had difficulty in understanding when I was younger and still do sometimes even now, are the secret signals in body language that someone might be sending across to me of interest, anger, frustration or some other emotion. Sometimes I got so confused that I felt like a jerk afterwards, not to mention the letdown I felt after all the build-up of anticipation I had fantasized about.

I’m not alone in this, it seems. My much younger and prettier neighbor Cyndi recently shared an experience that showed that there are more people who sometimes misread signals and body language.

For almost a month, maybe more, this guy would come into where she worked. He’d stand in her line and always smile a great big smile when he saw her. He’d also make direct eye contact the whole while. They’d exchange pleasantries and over a bit of time she thought, “What a pleasant guy.” After a little while she began to wonder if he was interested in her in more than a shopper/check out chick relationship. Was his body language saying something without speaking anything? She knows she saw him look around for her when he came into the store and if she was busy he’d wait til she was available. Every time he came in, she fully expected him to ask her out and it didn’t happen. She wondered if she’d say yes when he asked and where they’d go.. all the things you do when you think someone is flirting with you. Of course she’d have gone because she thought he was very special. He was attractive, friendly and seemed really kind.

Nothing every crossed the line into anything more than a general social exchange of pleasantries and she knew it wasn’t her place to do so. She remained respectful and served his to the best of her ability but all the while, keeping her eyes on his. It seemed that every time he was in the store he never took his eyes off her, so what was she to think? Why didn’t he ask her out kept going through her head. When nothing happened she thought maybe he was toying with her and maybe he was a shit but he had done nothing wrong. He always acted with good manners and friendliness.

Then, a couple of weeks ago she looked up from serving another customer to see him holding the door open for two other people accompanying him. Again he stood in her line and when it was his turn, proudly introduced his wife and her mother. Seriously. To say that she was a thrown for a loop would be accurate, not to mention the feeling of foolishness that she felt. She wondered how she could have misread or misinterpreted what had happened and how could she be so far off. It sure made her glad that she hadn’t ever said anything inappropriate.

Could one attempt an explanation by saying that a lot of women would think that a man who always seemed happy to see her and kept that eye contact, might be interested in her? Of course it would be natural for her to think so, based on what I told you above. But it wasn’t. It was simple friendliness, nothing more, nothing less.

I know other women have also felt foolish in misreading body language and what they perceived as a secret signal, wasn’t, and you know what? The best we can do is laugh at ourselves and let the experience teach us that misunderstanding silent signals is a part of life. Over time, hopefully, we’ll learn the difference.

I spent some time in the chatroom at SexyAds.com this week and happened upon a conversation several women were having about wanting to find a man because life was too hard on their own. After reading the screen for about five minutes I couldn’t contain myself any longer and told them that they were doing it all wrong.

All of the women involved were in their mid 30s to mid 40s and all had jobs. None were on welfare or unable to work. I asked them to tell me specifically how a man could make life better for them. In unison they all said a man would bring more money to the family bank account.

If I were a man that would make me throw up. I told them what they were saying was that it didn’t matter what kind of a person he was, just as long as he had a wallet to share.

Women need to care for themselves. If they don’t earn enough at their jobs to buy all they need, then start an online business on Ebay or get a paper route or bake things and sell them at the local farmer’s market.

What’s interesting to me is when I see a woman who happily takes care of her own affairs, that woman is most always capable of finding a really wonderful partner. She finds him because she wants him, not because she needs him. I know we all like to feel needed but not in the desperate way these women were talking about.

If they find a man who’ll take care of them, the risk is that he will also control them too. It’s the old “I make the gold, therefore I make the rules” routine.

My advice was for them to take care of themselves first, even if it meant having fewer luxury items, because they’ll have a fantastic feeling of empowerment.