A woman wrote to me this week about why she’s having such a tough time keeping her life in order. She goes from one drama to another and never seems to be able to hold on to a relationship. She’s a successful businesswoman and if you didn’t know better, you’d think she was one of those people who always drink from a sterling silver cup.

Have you ever thought about why you’re successful in some areas of your life but not in others? I used to think it was all about talent and training but now I’m not so sure. Some people — and we all know who they are — seem to have their life on autopilot most of the time. Good things just fall into place for them time and time again. They seem happy all the time.

I think now it’s not so much that some people are just more talented and able than the rest of us. I think some people plan and prepare for the outcome they want to see happen in their lives. They believe they’re capable of being, doing or having anything (or anyone) they want.

So if it’s possible for some people to have a great relationship why do some of us struggle?

Partly it goes back to the old bugger confidence in ourselves but maybe, just maybe, small changes can yield big results?

I think we’re built with the ability to meet all of life’s challenges and finding a person to share passion and intimacy with should be one of the easiest things we do. Really. The desire for an intimate partner is as basic as food to eat and shelter from the cold. None of us worry that we can’t find something to eat or a place to lay our heads.

If you want a change in your life, there’s no better time than right now to start. Let good things happen to you. Be grateful for small things. Think glass half full.

Sure, some of us are a bit crushed by fear and anxiety about money, jobs, kids, family and we wonder if we’ll make it through to the other side, but we will. We always do.

So many people suffer from shyness. Even I get a bit uncomfortable in a roomful of strangers. Some people are so shy that they are overwhelmed when they think about interacting with people they don’t know – to the point that they often prefer to stay at home. A woman told me last week that she feels distraught at the thought of being outside her comfort zone. She told me that she feels less of a worthwhile human being because of her shyness and wants to do something – anything – to finally break free of her shyness.

Most people take for granted meeting new people, entering new romances, making new friends and going to parties and other social events. I can’t imagine staying home because it’s all too hard but this woman and I’m sure lots of others deal with this on a daily basis.

What causes your shyness?

Shyness can be a symptom of untreated depression. The depression can cause a lack of self-esteem which leads to shyness.
Shyness can be caused by a traumatic event from childhood. Being humiliated at school as a youngster can leave a person scarred and saddled with shyness.
Lack of self-esteem or a poor self image can result in shyness. Someone who feels they have nothing worthwhile to contribute or have nothing to offer as a friend which leads them to anticipate rejection.
Some people just missed out on opportunites as a young person to interact with other people and to grow socially.
Once a person understands why he or she is shy, it’s possible to take steps to overcome it.

If you’re shy meeting new people because you’re afraid that you’ll get the horrible dead space where nobody is saying anything – prepare ahead. Just like the tv cook, prepare something earlier. I know it might sound silly but you’ll feel better for the insurance in your pocket or purse. Put a headline or two in your memory bank and just knowing they’re there will give you confidence.

Every time you venture out of your comfort zone, reward yourself on the effort. Don’t look at results!! Results don’t count – it’s the preparation and effort you’re putting forth that counts. Give yourself a pat on the back or buy something you’ve been wanting. Not every outing will be a resounding success. You might even return home thinking you’d made a fool of yourself. Rewarding the effort changes your perception and gives you hope that next time it will be easier.

Instead of worrying about yourself and your shyness, do what Dale Carnegie said to do – concentrate on putting the other person at ease. Pretend that they are more shy than you are. (It’s possibly true!) The time you spend making the other person feel more comfortable, you won’t be worrying about your own shyness.

Try taking an adult class. Whether it’s basketweaving or computers or cooking or anything. You’ll be learning new skills which will give you increased knowledge and more confidence. Every time you master a new skill your self esteem will increase.

It does take a bit of courage to overcome shyness but like anything else in life, you’ll never get anywhere unless you take the first step.

Once you’ve made the decision to do something about your shyness – dating and meeting in person just gets easier and easier.

I was talking with Lynn yesterday, she’s a good friend of mine who’s a psychologist and we were discussing a mutual friend of ours who always seems to be in one dilemma after another. I started out saying how sad it made me feel when I thought about all her problems and Lynn told me I was foolish. I was a bit taken aback at first because I thought she was cold and heartless and then she said something I hope I always remember — these 17 words she told me…

“For things to change, you must get a picture of what you want them to change to.”

I let the words sink in for a few minutes and then realized how right she was. Our friend focuses all the time on what has happened to her, she’s always a victim because she can only see herself as a victim. So I thought about those 17 words in the context of dating and relationships and I think she might be on to something there too. If you see yourself as single and dateless, why not try changing your focus. See yourself as someone desirable who hasn’t found the right one.. yet!

You CAN survive 2010 and here are some great tips for doing just that.

1. Stay out of trouble

2. Aim for greater heights

3. Stay focused on your job

4. Exercise to maintain good health

5. Practice teamwork

6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back, but take your time trusting others

7. Save for a rainy day

8. Rest and relax

9. Always take time to smile, it makes the world a better place

10. Realize that NOTHING is impossible

You know…there’s something about you I like. I can’t put my finger on it…but there’s something about you that makes you attractive.

You’ve got charisma!

How do I know? — You’ve got charisma because you’re open to the world around you and ready to learn new things that the universe has to offer. And if there’s one characteristic you always find in charismatic people, it’s openness.

You might not know that you have it but I can sense it.

Charisma is easy to spot. You could probably name a dozen “charismatic” people you know in politics, the entertainment industry, or your personal life. But even though it’s easy to spot, charisma isn’t so easy to break down into its key components.

The “It” Factor

It’s not so easy to identify exactly what it is about a person that makes him or her charismatic. You know when someone’s got “it;” you just can’t quite define what “it” is.

Charisma is an attractiveness that goes beyond good looks
– an appeal that can’t be labelled
– captivating quality that isn’t the result of simple intellectual brilliance or a terrific sense of humor.

Most people see charisma as something elusive and unachievable—a kind of magical, mysterious magnetism that you’re either born with or not. Nothing could be further from the truth!

You can develop your own charisma.

Charisma is defined as “a certain presence.” When a charismatic person enters a room, their mere presence draws attention and their energy may radiate to enliven the entire gathering. They have self-confidence and the ability to pass that on to others.

It does take some work to improve your charisma.
(Don’t worry…the work is actually fun)

1. You’ll get far more respect than the average person.
2. People will be drawn to you without any effort on your part.
3. You’ll exude self-confidence.
4. You’ll seem powerful without being intimidating.
5. You’ll put people at ease and make them feel understood.
6. And you’ll be able to easily get what you want, because people will instinctively want to help you.

Everyone in your surroundings will be influenced by you. People will seem happier when they’re around you. They’ll feel better about themselves as they try to emulate you.

Honestly, your charisma makes you irresistible.

Charismatic when speaking
We tend to equate charisma with a type of sex appeal or charm, but you can find charismatic leaders who were pretty darn unattractive. Look at British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, unarguably tremendously charismatic, but you wouldn’t choose him for a one-night-stand.

One ability of a charismatic person is eliciting images in the mind of a follower or acquaintance. Words that make it easy to “see” the message that someone is trying to get across.

Speak from within
You’re probably like most people; you don’t involve your body in your speaking. You take shallow breaths and when you speak, the resonance of your voice probably comes mainly out of your throat, neck and head. Practice deep breathing and let the sound come from deeper in your body.

Exercise: Open Up and Say Ahhhhh. Try breathing deeply and saying “ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhh” with each breath, letting the sound come out of a lower place in your body. Then try speaking. You’ll find that your voice is more resonant and easier to listen to. Practice every day and after a while your habit of breathing will change, and your vocal tone will change along with it.

Speak with enthusiasm
Many people who have been told that they lack charisma have usually gotten into the habit of never showing any real excitement or emotion about anything.

Charismatic, attractive people, on the other hand, are good at conveying their enthusiasm about things in their lives by the way that they speak. You can learn to do this by practicing speaking excitedly about things.

Again, it’s by practice. Choose a topic and practice speaking about that topic with enthusiasm. Really let yourself go, and get excited about it! It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about sex, a recipe for brownies, baseball, your business, or world politics. The subject doesn’t matter nearly as much as your ability to convey your excitement about it.

Charismatic people know what they want
Many people who come across as boring and un-focused were not rewarded during their formative years for speaking with certainly or decisiveness. As a result, they’ve come to believe that the best way to get along in life was to stay “under the radar,” and to never appear too committed to anything

That’s okay if you just want to “get along” and you don’t mind being completely devoid of charisma, plus all the benefits that charisma brings.

If you’d rather do more than just get along, if you’d like to really be charismatic in your personal and business life, it’s time to start experimenting with speaking with certainty.

Things to do