Breaking up doesn’t have to be impossible

I’m asked quite often what I think about cheating spouses and my reply is always the same. Why? If you are so clearly unhappy that you need someone else in your life, end the relationship your in with a bit of dignity and honor for the spouse you promised to love and cherish. That advice doesn’t sit very well with quite a few people but nobody is going to change my mind. I know there are financial issues and children issues and issues I know nothing about. I don’t walk in anyone’s shoes but mine, but if someone asks me, I’m going to tell them all I’m tall enough to. (I’m barely 5′ tall so it’s usually not much.)

Let me get back to a previous thought. Honor and dignity. If the shoe were on the other foot and your spouse wanted to leave you for someone else, how would YOU feel? Like yesterday’s newspaper covered with today’s leftover spaghetti? I know, you can be discreet. I agree with you that you can but can you assure that the person you’re seeing will feel the same way? I’ve heard it time and time again – people want a bit on the side and it’s great for both parties and then one falls in love. Remember the old saying that desperate people do desperate things.

Imagine for a moment that the “other” person (not the spouse) has fallen in love and wants to have his or her lover’s full attention, not just the leftover bits. Then will she or he remain discreet? Maybe, but who’s willing to risk a spouses hurt feelings over a maybe.

Then invariably the conversation moves on to the fact that breaking up is just damn difficult to do. It takes huge emotional energy to work up to the ultimate moment but if you are no longer in love and want to build a different life – alone or with someone new, the honorable thing to do is leave. Sure, there will be hurt feelings but you won’t have to deal with any issues about infidelity. That will win you huge points.

So what’s the best place to break up? Let’s talk about where NOT to break up first. Don’t break up at home. Every room will have bad memories for whoever remains in the home. Don’t break up in a park. There’s no closure there. You don’t want to make the statement that you want to go and then have your spouse chasing you to the car crying. No, no, it needs to be done with some class.

Two really good choices and they’re both public. My favorite choice is a museum. People have to be quiet there – no yelling, screaming and definitely no smacking about in a museum or art gallery. Everyone speaks in hushed voices and there’s always a door to walk out of. If that’s not right for you, try a really fancy bar. Again, people don’t talk loudly in those dark panelled rooms and everyone is dressed to the nines and it’s a place where making a scene just isn’t done.

Breaking up shouldn’t be a long drawn out process. It should take less than 5 minutes and then both go away and think about it and then talk the following day after the information has been digested.

Now, if you don’t want to leave but still need more passion and intimacy in your life – talk to your spouse! Tell them that’s how you’re feeling.

“I’m feeling so unloved and unwanted physically that I’ve considered looking for someone to fulfill that part of my life but one thing keeps me from doing that – my love for you.”

You’ll have put the facts on the table and your spouse has the next move. Just let that statement sit and don’t say another word until he or she has spoken. It might be a really long wait but once the conversation has begun, roll with it. You might find that both of you are hoping for change but nobody is doing anything about it.