A pretty bottom - is it for you?

Have you ever been with a group of friends and they start talking about something you’re clueless about? You think and think and think and just can’t get a handle on what they’re talking about. It happened to me yesterday. Martha and Sharon decided they’d been working too hard lately and needed a leisurely Friday lunch together and I was asked to come along. Nobody needed a break more than I did so happily off I went.

During lunch Sharon announces she’s having “a bit of luck with the anal bleaching.”

That’s the bit I was clueless about.

I just nodded like I had a fucking clue. Martha, always the one in the know in our group of friends, starts telling about her trip to the dermatologist recently and she got some great cream to take home to use once the “office treatment” stopped doing its job. OK, now if you’re at all like me, my asshole isn’t a public place and I couldn’t imagine cheerfully going to a doctor to expose my backside unless I was in dire need of medical attention. Not so for my pal Martha. She explained that her doctor has a special chair to drape herself over so it opens her ass cheeks to the proper degree to allow inspection and application of lightening cream.

I sort of nodded again and then my mouth opened and started speaking without any thought beforehand, I swear.

“Why is it so important to have a pink bottom when you’re over 50 and you’ve been married for more than 20 years?” my mouth said. Right there I admitted to them both I was an outsider in this conversation.

They both looked at me and then at each other as if to say, “she doesn’t *know*, does she?” Well, they’re right, I didn’t know.

With all the trouble people are having with their mortgages, young men and women dying in Iraq, AIDS crises in most countries, terrorism alerts everywhere, floods and droughts, wars and starvation - why is it important to have no dark brown staining on your butt? I mean if you are a porn star, forgive me because the thought of having thousands of people looking at your butt might make you self conscious.

“It’s the next thing after Brazillian waxing!” Martha exlaimed and Sharon nodded.

So here I was sitting in our favorite restaurant thinking about two of my best friends with bald pussies and REALLY light assholes. Then I wondered out loud if having no hair at all and a really pink butt gave them better sex or more frequent sex or more satisfying sex.

It turns out that the answer is yes. They both agreed that they felt cleaner all the time and every time they moved in their clothing they felt their panties against their skin and found it to be a turnon. I asked how often they were having sex just to see what I was missing out on. It turns out that Martha has sex once a week and Sharon says her average is 1 1/2 times a week. Big Whoop! I get more than that and I don’t have to do a thing other than keep the kitty trimmed.

I was still curious about anal bleaching so as soon as I got home I did some googling and this is a big thing with a lot of women and some men too. You can buy creams online or at many stores that will lighten the skin around your anus. I wondered if I should ask for some do-it-myself cream for my birthday or go all out and ask for a day of total rectal beautification. Problem is, he might never notice! Why spend that sort of cash for something nobody would see. Geez.. give me diamonds any day!

In addition to anal bleaching and Brazillian waxing you can also visit your favorite plastic surgeon for vaginal rejuvenation. You can have your labia made more beautiful or your hymen reinserted. Hymenoplasty - now that’s a good one. Initially requested by more Muslim women, more Americans are requesting the procedure as a “gift” to their husbands or partners. I mean get a life people!!! Do you have to play all shy and coy all over again? Will it hurt when you bleed on the sheets?

If they can lift and tuck and tweak and move, why not attach my whole sex apparatus to my elbow for instant sexual pleasure without having to undress at all! Then when I get my little rosebud lightened I can show it off when I drive through traffic and let everyone know that I have more money than sense!