Where does it disappear to? We hear it every day from men that their wives, partners or girlfriends have lost their sex drive and it’s causing distress in the relationship. We all know it’s true but what causes it? Several reasons and I’ve always said nobody should put up with it until everything has been done to change the situation. A life without expression of sexuality is a life not well lived.

There are millions of men on the internet looking for a woman who still enjoys passion and intimacy in her life so what’s happened to all these wives and girlfriends who no longer feel sexy? Far too few of them seek any help dealing with their lack of any sex drive whatsoever.

Psychological Reasons

Lack of confidence in themselves or living with a lot of stress are two of the biggest causes of low sex drive in women. Marriages that started out with a slender bride but since that day she’s gained 100 pounds often end up sexless because the woman is so ashamed of how she’s let her body go. She knows she’s overweight so telling her to lose weight so she’ll feel sexy is only going to add more guilt on top of how she feels already. Take a different approach. Take the time to remind her that it’s the sexy woman inside her that excites you so much. Help to build her confidence by not reminding her that her ass is the size of a volkswagen and then asking her for sex. She’s definitely not going to feel in the mood.

Physical Reasons

Did you know that women who walk at least 30 minutes a day or exercise 20 to 30 minutes a day have a higher sex drive than women who don’t get much exercise at all? If your sweetie goes from one chair to another and then to the bed, why not encourage her to walk with you every night or join a gym together. Not only will you both feel better but you’ll get more sex.

The Pill

I was a young woman when the pill was introduced. Knowing we couldn’t get pregnant was a real boost to the sex drive for me and my friends. However, it also turned out that when we were on the pill all those fake hormone levels removed that peak sex drive boost we were all accustomed to during ovulation. The pill is improving every year but it’s still causing problems for some women.

Prescription Drugs

Most all drugs have side effects and a common one is reduced sex drive. Most blood pressure drugs kill a woman’s sex drive – so if a woman is on one (or two) that seem to leave her sexless, she should try another drug to see if she can control the hypertension and still have a good sex life. Antidepressants, antihistamines and many other drugs alter a woman’s sexuality. The good news is there are different drugs for nearly everything and if one type lowers your libido – try another.

Women who no longer feel sexy also feel really guilty about it even if they don’t say anything. If you’ve got a woman like this, complaining, arguing or getting angry isn’t going to help. The woman needs understanding and encouragement to seek help for the situation. It’s not normal not to feel sexy some of the time.

Occasionally, I receive an email from a member at SexyAds.com that makes me very uncomfortable. Recently it was a guy saying that it was okay for a man to occasionally hit his fiancee – he said he’d posted it on his blog on the net and he’d had heaps of comments agreeing with him. He said he was the head of the household and if she stepped out of line, someone needed to show her that it couldn’t happen again. I hemmed and hawed about what to say in reply to him.

All I could think of was, “She’s not your child, she’s a human being who’s allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.” It also brought to mind that here she, as a woman, was under his complete control due to her fear of being hit (or worse) but he was free to make all the mistakes we all do from time to time but there were no consequences for him.

This is totally different from domestic discipline where one person wants and needs a spanking when they’ve done something wrong that they have previously agreed not to do. The man in the email is guilty of spousal abuse.

I can’t think of a time ever that corporal punishment, a spanking, a beating or verbal abuse is all right. It’s not right for any person to abuse another person. The problem is that it’s so damned difficult to get out of a relationship like that. The abuse starts slowly and over time there are probably as many good days as there are horrible days. Victims think, “today he/she is so kind and fun to be with, maybe I’m jumping the gun on leaving.” I know because I’ve been there.

I was never hit but I was verbally abused and denigrated to the point where I had no self-confidence whatsoever. I’d lost my sparkle. I’d lost my joy of living.

What made a difference for me? A new friend.

My friend asked me why I put up with abuse like that. I gotta tell you that when you’re in it, you don’t see it as abuse. You see it as you were wrong and you deserved what you got. Along the lines of “you made your bed, now lie in it,” which is what my mother told me when I complained to her once. So I asked my friend why she thought it was abuse. I got an hour long speech about how nobody has the right to discipline a partner if there isn’t a prior agreement and that I was a terrific person and I needed to do whatever I could to enable me to see my old self again. Well, I never made an agreement that I wanted to be corrected when I was “wrong.”

Over time and lots more conversations I did start to see my old self again. I had the talk with my husband that if things didn’t improve I would leave. I got just what you think I got, “You can’t leave me, nobody else would have you.” I left anyway.

Are you stuck in a relationship where you feel abused, denigrated, humiliated or worse? Nobody deserves that. Nobody should put up with it. Sure, life might be tough for a while but you’ll be amazed at how much you can deal with when you feel good about yourself.

Knowing what you want in a partner is the first step I think when you’re stepping back into the dating pool. Should he be taller than me? Should she have soft round curves? Must he be well educated or is intelligence more important? The list goes on and on.

When people are in their early twenties, they have an image in their minds of the person they want to spend passionate times with. I wager I could ask 10 people who are over 35 if they are with the person they imagined back when they were 20 and most will say no. Why? Because as we gain in maturity we look more for character and “chemistry” than looks or lust. I don’t mean for a minute that I think lust plays no part at all in who we desire but we look for other characteristics that we’ve learned to place a lot of value in.

What’s equally as important as knowing what we want in a potential partner, is what you cannot tolerate in another person. If you’re dating someone who trips one of those I can’t stand it triggers, don’t proceed with the relationship. It will never get better and you’ll never get him or her to change just to please you. Life isn’t that simple. You can change yourself and sometimes those changes in yourself cause changes in those around you but you can never change someone else. So get clear on what things you know you can’t tolerate. We’ve all got about 10 important things that will probably drive us up the wall if our partner or date did. More than 10 and you’re too picky and you need to cut that list back.

Still not sure you know exactly what you want? Get out of the house! Meet people! Take every opportunity you can to expand your social circle. Speak to strangers. Chat up the man or woman in the grocery checkout line. Take a night class in something you’ve always wanted to learn more about. Every opportunity you have to meet someone new will show you more things that you like or don’t like in other people. One idea I learned about recently from an online friend – he had some calling cards made up (like business cards but without the business information) and he keeps a few in his pocket for those chance meetings. It’s a good idea. Have your name and your email address printed on the card. You’ll never have to ask for a number – if he or she is interested, they’ll email.

Finally, expect good things to happen. Limit that voice that says, “you’ll never find the right person,” because you’re limiting yourself when you listen to that voice. Had back luck? Learn from it and move on — let it go. Life is meant to be lived in joy. Look for the joy and before you know it, you’ll find some hotty and you’ll be playing like rabbits on a warm summer day.