Do you have days where you just want to crawl back in bed and not think about all the things you have to do?

That’s how my day started today and I can tell you that things have gone down from there. I burnt myself quite badly a couple of weeks ago and so I’m in a lot of pain. It was with boiling water and it’s big and you don’t want to know the rest. It’s gross. I started working (because I work every day) and I was uncomfortable and tired and cranky.

Some guy uploaded an erotic story and we view everything before it gets published on our site and it’s a good thing too. His story was a page and a half long and it was one sentence. Yep one sentence. So being the kind person that I am, I wrote to him and explained that nobody would read a story with only one sentence that went on for a page and a half. I even pasted his story back to him in case he hadn’t saved it. I asked him if he could please check it and add some punctuation and paragraphs.

He did his best and resubmitted it. There were paragraphs in there but it took me nearly 45 minutes to fix 328 errors in it. Now I know I should have just deleted the damn thing and just moved on but I felt bad that he was stupid and I fixed it. Then I was mad at myself for wasting all that time.

Truthfully, I’m rarely in a bad mood so when have the “can’t help its” they seem much worse than they really are. I’ve tried thinking a happy thought for 17 seconds and I smiled for 3 seconds and then I went right back to feeling pissy again.

Someone suggested that I should look at peaceful photographs. I tried that and all I saw were pictures of places I’d like to visit — without me in them.

Someone else suggested that I meditate. How can you meditate when all you really want to do is throw rocks?

What are your tricks for getting out of a shitty mood? My husband would like me to find out.

It’s amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation…

Read aloud for best results. Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking “funny” for a while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the FarEast Economic Review…

Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees”

Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service”

RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”

G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs”

RS: “Ow July den?”

G: “What??”

RS: “Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?

G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”

G: “Crisp will be fine.”

RS : “Hokay. An San tos?”

G: “What?”

RS: “San tos. July San tos?”

G: “I don’t think so”

RS: “No? Judo one toes??”

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”

RS: “Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”

G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine.”

RS: “We bother?”

G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”

RS: “Wad?”

G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

RS: “Copy?”

G: “Sorry?”

RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”

G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”

RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”

G: “Whatever you say”

RS: “Tendjewberrymud”

G : “You’re welcome.”

Could you imagine forgiving your partner for having an affair? No? I never thought I could either. How does a person get past the knowledge that the person they love and who they’ve been true to has shared intimate moments with another person?

Experts will tell us that nearly 50% of all relationships will have one partner (sometimes both) who will stray from the relationship to form an emotional or sexual bond with another person. They’ll also tell you that a bout of infidelity hurts more than just about anything else that can happen to us in our lives. Infidelity hurts more than the death of a parent, loss of a job or physical abuse. I believe them.

It doesn’t matter how you find out, there is no easy way to get the information that the one person you trusted with every fiber of your being has been intimate with another person. Some people find out with private detectives, some get told by their friends and some of us trip over it on a computer. It hurts no matter how you find out.

I don’t think anyone who strays sets out to hurt their spouse or partner. I believe that. I think it happens in pretty much the same way for everyone. You find someone, get to talking and one thing leads to another and before you know it, you’re in the sack playing hide the sausage.

Once the affair is over and your partner wants to “make it all good again” is it possible? Can you ever look at them without thinking of what they did with someone else? I’m determined to find out.

For me there are four things that must happen for me to begin to trust again.

1. Honesty. I want to know all the details. I don’t want to wallow in them but I want to know how it happened. I need to know. How could I have missed it for so long?
2. Time. Until I feel confident, I want to know where he is. If he wants me to trust him then he’s got to give me the tools to do so.
3. Me. I want face to face, eye to eye contact and I want it often. I want to know that he’s my other half. I want to do things together — like the old times. I suppose I want to be wooed all over again. Sweep me off my feet. Make me feel special like I did before.
4. Love. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want to hear it and often. I want to be shown that he loves me. I have always put him first and I want to feel loved like he does.

In return I will do all I can to meet his needs and continue to care for and about him as I have since we met. Will it work? I’m not sure. Will I be ok if it doesn’t work? Absolutely. I’m no clinging vine and regardless what happens I will be just fine. Maybe I have a big ego but I have always told myself, if you’re not happy, do whatever you need to be to get to that state. For me, life is all about being happy and finding joy in every day.

Unless you’re a swinger, how did you learn sexual technique and etiquette? From a porn movie or 100 perhaps?

I thought so. Me too.

With nearly everything else in life, there’s a handbook to tell you how to be really good at things but with sex, you’re pretty much on your own — except for those videos. I think porn videos have a lot to answer for in the way they portray women and real sex.

For instance:

* All women must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 but then they’re MILFs.
* They must have platinum blond hair and fake boobs (over the size of DD).
* Women are all either bi or lesbian.
* Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
* As soon as any sexual activity starts every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie is not sexy) must be removed. Ok, one exception — high heels must be worn throughout the entire sexual experience.
* All men must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on especially during the good bits.
* If there is a black male involved he will be hung like a horse.
* Upon orgasm, men must ejaculate at least 27 pints
* Extremely beautiful women really want to have sex with a 67 year old man
* During sex a woman must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
* Only overweight men who also have a severe case of gut overhang like to have sex
* Women must always moan from pleasure while giving another man oral sex.
* Women usually apologize to a man by giving him a blowjob.
* All women can have an orgasm by just taking off their clothes.
* One sexual position or act is not good enough. Four different positions in a couple of minutes is what EVERYONE else does
* Men are never impotent.
* When performing oral sex on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
* Women who get caught masturbating by a strange man will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
* Women are indifferent as to where a man’s ejaculate lands
* Women always moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
* Women always orgasm when men do.
* Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they orgasm.
* Women always make Oooohhh Ahhhhh noises when they have sex.
* Asian men don’t exist, but their chicks are HOT!
* Nurses tend to give blow jobs as an exam method.
* Nuns are always wild and eager for sex.
* Children do not exist
* Women never have headaches… or periods.
* Women always look pleasantly surprised when they unzip a man’s fly and find a penis there.
* Every woman on the planet is bi
* Pubic hair is just a myth.
* If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex with you
* There are no such things as natural finger nails.
* The man always decides on the position, no objections.

Real people have real sex. Women have periods. Some women do not want to be spanked. Some couples can have sex without swearing. Some women don’t have sex with everyone who comes to the door. If you’ve been treating your sex life like you see in a porno movie, it’s time for a re-think.