There’s a new book out by Bettina Arndt titled The Sex Diaries. In the book, Arndt publishes the results of a survey of 98 Australian couples about sex. She goes on and on about how women should put out more often, even if they don’t want to because that’s just part of the deal when you agree to be in a relationship with someone.

Ok, I do agree with her that if you love someone, you want to have sex with them both as a way to express your love and maintain that emotional connection that you get with sexual intimacy. But, and it’s a huge but, what if you aren’t turned on by the man you’re with any longer?

I’ve often talked about women who work a demanding job who leave work at 5:30 and dash to pick up the littlies at daycare and then stop at the supermarket to get things for dinner, go home and start cooking. While she’s cooking she looks after the kids – listening to the stories about their day, kissing the booboos, putting in a load of wash, emptying the dishwasher and setting the table. Too often, this is where the husband comes home from his hard day and he turns on the news. Dinner gets put on the table, he eats and then he goes back to the TV or the computer while the wife cleans up, helps the kids with homework, takes the clothes out of the washer and puts them in the dryer, gets the kids bathed and put to bed. She carries the dirty clothes back to the laundry room and notices the clock. It’s past 9pm and she’s been on the go since before 7am. She mops the kitchen floor, feeds the dog, changes the cat’s litter box and picks up all the things that the kids left out.

She falls into bed exhausted only to find that her husband has been online watching sexy young women showing themselves off and he’s ready for a hot time in the sack – all primed. Now in her book, Arndt says that my scenario just isn’t true. She says that women don’t work as many hours outside the home as men do and that they should be glad to pick up the slack at home and pretty much should be ready for sex whenever their man crooks his finger.

I will continue to say that the sexiest man is the one who wears an apron. I’m not talking about a sissy kind of man but one who realizes that doing his share at home isn’t waiting for his wife to ask for his help. If they both have jobs outside the home, why is it always the woman who has to ask for help. Why can’t a man see that the dishwasher needs emptying or the carpet needs vacuuming and just do it?

Don’t get me wrong, not all men are like this. There are lots and lots of men who DO help out but I talk to way too many women who are always exhausted and wish they had more support at home. They’re too tired to feel sexy. I’m sure there are men who feel like THEY do all the work while their wives sit around and eat chocolates and I’m sure they’re right too.

Next, let’s talk about general sex appeal. Fellas, if you don’t want your wife or partner to say, “it’s not me, it’s you”, listen up. There’s nothing sexy about a man who hasn’t showered, smells a bit stale and has a five o’clock shadow. If you’re coming to bed after viewing hot young chicks, remember that your wife hasn’t. She’s been doing chores and it’s going to take a bit of foreplay to get her up to speed. You might be ready for a quickie but if she’s not turned on, sex will be painful. Too many experiences of painful sex and she’s going to shut down. I know. I was there in my previous life about 30 years ago.

To Bettina Arndt, I think your 98 couples don’t speak for everyone or maybe it was your sex diaries. Anyone can get the results they’re looking for if they offer limited options as answers for multiple choice questions, so maybe we should be saying it’s not US, it’s you!

By Pamela Redmond Satran. This is often thought to have been written by Maya Angelou but it’s not! It’s an important read for EVERY woman. Mothers should insist that their daughters read it too!

By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. How to take control of your own birthday.
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

I’m asked quite often what I think about cheating spouses and my reply is always the same. Why? If you are so clearly unhappy that you need someone else in your life, end the relationship your in with a bit of dignity and honor for the spouse you promised to love and cherish. That advice doesn’t sit very well with quite a few people but nobody is going to change my mind. I know there are financial issues and children issues and issues I know nothing about. I don’t walk in anyone’s shoes but mine, but if someone asks me, I’m going to tell them all I’m tall enough to. (I’m barely 5′ tall so it’s usually not much.)

Let me get back to a previous thought. Honor and dignity. If the shoe were on the other foot and your spouse wanted to leave you for someone else, how would YOU feel? Like yesterday’s newspaper covered with today’s leftover spaghetti? I know, you can be discreet. I agree with you that you can but can you assure that the person you’re seeing will feel the same way? I’ve heard it time and time again – people want a bit on the side and it’s great for both parties and then one falls in love. Remember the old saying that desperate people do desperate things.

Imagine for a moment that the “other” person (not the spouse) has fallen in love and wants to have his or her lover’s full attention, not just the leftover bits. Then will she or he remain discreet? Maybe, but who’s willing to risk a spouses hurt feelings over a maybe.

Then invariably the conversation moves on to the fact that breaking up is just damn difficult to do. It takes huge emotional energy to work up to the ultimate moment but if you are no longer in love and want to build a different life – alone or with someone new, the honorable thing to do is leave. Sure, there will be hurt feelings but you won’t have to deal with any issues about infidelity. That will win you huge points.

So what’s the best place to break up? Let’s talk about where NOT to break up first. Don’t break up at home. Every room will have bad memories for whoever remains in the home. Don’t break up in a park. There’s no closure there. You don’t want to make the statement that you want to go and then have your spouse chasing you to the car crying. No, no, it needs to be done with some class.

Two really good choices and they’re both public. My favorite choice is a museum. People have to be quiet there – no yelling, screaming and definitely no smacking about in a museum or art gallery. Everyone speaks in hushed voices and there’s always a door to walk out of. If that’s not right for you, try a really fancy bar. Again, people don’t talk loudly in those dark panelled rooms and everyone is dressed to the nines and it’s a place where making a scene just isn’t done.

Breaking up shouldn’t be a long drawn out process. It should take less than 5 minutes and then both go away and think about it and then talk the following day after the information has been digested.

Now, if you don’t want to leave but still need more passion and intimacy in your life – talk to your spouse! Tell them that’s how you’re feeling.

“I’m feeling so unloved and unwanted physically that I’ve considered looking for someone to fulfill that part of my life but one thing keeps me from doing that – my love for you.”

You’ll have put the facts on the table and your spouse has the next move. Just let that statement sit and don’t say another word until he or she has spoken. It might be a really long wait but once the conversation has begun, roll with it. You might find that both of you are hoping for change but nobody is doing anything about it.