That was the subject of an email to our support desk today. He is a member of our dating site searching for a woman that would turn him on more than his wife who’s put on 14 pounds since they were married. Here’s his mail:

I am still very much in love with my wife, however, she has put on some weight. Not a huge amount, about 14 pounds, but enough to make it difficult for me to find her as sexy as I used to. Her wonderful personality hasn’t changed, but I find it hard to get excited when looking at her new shape. I know it sounds shallow, and I’ve tried to get over this, but it’s no use. I made a big mess of things and told her how I felt one night when we were arguing. Now that she knows how I feel, it makes her feel bad and she doesn’t feel comfortable being naked around me. This is causing a lot of tension between us. I don’t really want to find anyone new but I don’t know where to turn. Can you give me some advice?

So I replied:

Oh dear, you are a bit shallow but I admire you for writing to me for advice. At least you know you’ve got a good thing in a woman with a wonderful personality. 14 pounds is not a huge amount and shouldn’t be enough for you to lose all desire for your wife. All of your senses are involved in sparking sexual desire, particularly sight. An attractive appearance is important for many men. I think you are being too picky.

I do understand that someone can’t force himself to be attracted to someone. Stop feeling guilty because it’s impossible to make yourself feel attraction for another person. Both partners should be considerate of one another, and love and respect each other by making an effort and not taking each other for granted. If you become fat, it’s not surprising if your partner finds you less attractive, but we’re talking less than 15 pounds.

You could consider that her contentment in the relationship with you has put her where she is now. She’s been having fun, eating out, hanging around and talking with you instead of walking or doing something more energetic. Take walks together, go dancing or play tennis and she’ll lose the 14 pounds without any drama.

I feel confident in saying that you will not help her lose the weight by going on about it. You’ve told her once and trust me, she knows she’s put on the weight. Her clothes don’t fit and she’s not as comfortable as she was before.

Perhaps I’ve misread it completely and she’s unhappy and miserable and is eating for comfort. When you told her that her weight gain has made her no longer desirable, what she heard was nothing was more important than how she looked. Once she gained weight, she might as well piss off because you no longer wanted her. Look down the road and will you want her as she gets older and gets wrinkles? I promise you, she’s thinking about that right now.

If you love her as you say you do, you couldn’t think of a life without her. You wouldn’t be on a dating site looking for women more slender than your wife. If the thought of living with someone less than perfect makes you unhappy or sexually unfulfilled, let her go and find someone else who’s not as fickle as you.

What IS it with the beautiful people set that require perfection to be sexy. That’s not what sexy is to me at all. What’s sexy to me is feeling sexy. Knowing he’s thinking about me and wanting me and perhaps even fantasizing about me during the day. That gets my motor going. He’d never think about my size because that’s not the part of me that feels sexy.

What’s sexy for you?

I can’t believe I finally said those words. Since my first pregnancy when I was 5′ tall and 100 lbs wringing wet to start with and then had a baby that weighed 13 pounds, I’ve had stretch marks. I smothered myself in cocoa butter at the time because that’s what my mother said would save my skin as it had hers. Didn’t work.

So all my adult life I’ve felt that I’d be a lot sexier if I had nice smooth skin like all the models do. Remember Demi Moore in that famous photo when she was preggers? Did you see stretch marks? Maybe they were airbrushed out and if so, that’s a shame because so many of us markers were looking for them.

I must admit that my husband and my ex never had a problem with the marks and assured me that the marks didn’t affect my sexiness. Being the skeptic that I am, I just figured they wanted to get into my panties at the time.

If you’re a man and you’ve met a woman who’s had babies before, would you be turned off by lots of stretch marks? If you’re a woman who has them, does it bother you like it bothers me?

We all know someone who’s having difficulty making a commitment to someone they love but aren’t sure that person is a real keeper. If you’re in that group, here are some things to think about when contemplating your decision.

Couples are more productive

While the case could be made that two people can always get more done than one, couples seem to set up long term goals and thinking that guides them and challenges them to be better.

Couples are less stressed

When you have someone that is constantly supporting you and cares about how you’re doing, this support system helps to buoy you in times of stress. Being able to laugh with each other and help each other helps the stressful times seem all the less, well, stressful.

Couples are healthier overall

Because of the reduced stress and increased support system, couples tend to have fewer health problems than their single counterparts. They have fewer colds and other minor illnesses.

Couples live longer

With the increased health and ability to ward off stress, couples tend to live longer than their single friends. Couples tend to be more long term thinking and this allows them to have a more positive outlook on life, whatever is thrown at them.

Couples have more money

Of course, having two people in any relationship will make a couple richer, but couples are more diligent about planning for long term goals which can lead to more stable financial results. They invest together, plan together, work together to create a retirement that will allow them to enjoy each other’s company long into the twilight of their lives.

Couples often fight smarter

No couple is without fights or disagreements, but couples have a more relaxed approach about getting past arguments and getting over them. The long term commitment allows them to realize that not everything is as important ‘right now’ as it seems, and that most problems can blow over without too much incident.

Couples have better sex

While stereotypes might have you believe otherwise, couples truly do have an enjoyable sex life. They tend to experiment to keep things exciting and they are focused more on the pleasure of their partner than of themselves.

Couples are happier than singles

In recent studies, scientists founds that couples suffer from less depression than their single counterparts.

So, if you were teetering on the fence of commit or no, there are additional benefits for not being alone.

I love asking happily attached new friends to tell me about meeting their partner or spouse for the first time and how their relationship has evolved.

“Tell me the whole story, don’t leave out any details,” I’ll say to make sure I get all the juicy details.

I’m always fascinated by how her first impressions didn’t match up with how the guy really is. The first meeting is usually about looks, too much booze, how the party was or where they met. The second date is much much different and his real qualities start to emerge.

Once we’ve got the groundwork established, I ask what they feel are their partner’s best qualities.

Time and time again, this is what they say:

“He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met”

I’m not trying to go Hallmark ‘ahhhh’ on you here and I’m not trying to say that most women want a wuss for a husbnd, but women love kindness. We’re the weaker sex; we love feeling safe, emotionally and physically.

What we aren’t talking about here are stalkers or men who smother women in order to control them — that’s definitely not what this is about.

Kindness, affection, sense of humor, capacity for commitment – are all traits that can be bundled together in a “keeper”.

Can all guys be kind? Definitely

Some might struggle with it until they have children of their own and then you watch them become tender as if a switch was pulled in their heads.

What does kindness look like? It can be difficult to define but you know it when you see it. When a guy bends down to pat a dog and in a minute or two has the dog begging for more, or when a guy has that special way with kids, or when you’re preparing for surgery and he puts his hand on yours and says, “I’ll be right here waiting when you get finished.”

I know the popular culture tells men to be tough and that’s okay too. Tough and kind can coexist nicely and will not make a man effeminate or less of a man. To the contrary, he’s much more of a man to the woman who loves him.

Kindness might just be the missing piece that could make a man a complete person because I’m convinced that being kind comes from confidence.

Have a great day and be kind – it’s the best quality you’ll ever have.

Have you ever given much thought to what words really do it for you when it comes to feeling loved and cared about? I never did until this week. I wonder if we identified those triggers and our spouses or partners deliberately used those words would the words then change?

Then I thought back through my life to other times that words made me feel special (or not so special) when said by people I cared about.

My dad always called me chicken. I have no idea why – maybe because I have skinny legs, but I knew when he called me chicken I was important to him and I was his only chicken. I have an older sister and younger brother but they weren’t called chicken. They had their own pet names. My sister was queenie and my brother was mossy face.

My father always had something interesting to say and if he couldn’t think of the word for something he’d make one up. I grew up thinking vice grips were called bigger grippers. Every Thanksgiving, regardless how many were sitting at the table, just after the blessing was finished he would say, “Thank you ma’am and if you please, in the ass of the duck you’ll find the peas.”

We also knew when he was angry because in a loud voice we’d hear, “Jumping Judas on a rock!”

He’s been gone a long time but his words still roll around in my head for me to call on when I’m feeling a bit second rate about myself.

My husband rarely calls me by my name. To him, I’m honey. I know I’m his only honey. He goes out of his way every day to say something nice. He says it’s just his nature to only see what he wants to see. (and thank God for that) I realize now how much his words affect how I feel about myself and our relationship.