The day was normal up until 3pm. That’s when I take my daily stroll to check on the chickens and collect the eggs. I had nearly a dozen in my basket so I thought I’d dash next door with them for the best neighbors in the whole world. I knocked on their door and their daughter answered and said she’d just gotten home but would get her mother. I told her it wasn’t necessary, that I’d only brought some eggs over.

That’s when it happened.

Before I could turn around there was the loudest, most erotic moaning I’ve ever heard. Oh oh OH OH oh oh oh. It didn’t stop. It was as if a horny cow crawled down her throat.

I looked at her daughter.

Her daughter looked at me.

I thought, “jumpin judas on a rock, what do I do now?”

The moaning got louder (and faster!) and it was obviously my friend. I wondered to myself who she was making all that racket with at three o’clock in the afternoon but then Kath told me her father was off all day. Phew. I didn’t want to think of my best pal doing the boogity boogity with anyone but her husband. It’s none of my business, mind you, but it’s better for neighborly relations. They obviously thought they were all alone for a hot afternooner.

I grinned from ear to ear and dashed through the door and back to the sanctity of my office before they started chasing each other around the house. On my way home I thought – here I am working from dawn til dusk and she’s over there getting her brains screwed out. Who’s doing what right? It was like a porn video inside my head but the actors were my neighbors. Now my friend is well over 50 and we all know women over 50 can get a bit dry in the playroom. The way they were going at it I was afraid they were going fuck so fast she’d start the neighborhood on fire!

It was then that I thought, geez, the daughter’s going to tell them that I was there. She’s 27 and not one bit shy. She’s going to tell her mother that I was there. Do I call later and make a joke? Do I pretend that this sort of thing happens all the time? Do I just ignore it?

I’m not one to ignore things, however I do love a good joke. I decided that I should bring them a recovery pack. I dashed to KFC and then whipped up some pudding and made some melon balls. I fixed a tray with chicken BREASTS, melon BALLS, spotted DICK, a roll of duct tape and some ear plugs.

It wasn’t as good as having sex myself but for some of us, perving on the neighbors is as close is all we’ll get today.

Any of these mistakes can keep your partner from wanting sex as frequently as you do. Take a tip from me and be SURE you aren’t guilty of any of these because women feel strongly about all of these topics.

If you want to be more stud then dud, listen up. A true stud pleases a woman and has her coming back for more. A dud thinks he is pleasing his woman, but she’s never quite as hot for him as she was that first time. Your actions could very well be the reason that she wont return your phone calls or emails.

Really Bad Mistakes

1. Going Too Long. Some men are so concerned about premature ejaculation and the need to show that they can last forever that they go to the other extreme. Their lovemaking lasts too long, almost a sexual marathon. This can be some times expressed in wanting to exhaust a woman to the point of fatigue. Remember, you don’t have to fuck her so dry you feel like she’s going to catch fire.

Make sure you check with your partner to make sure she is up for a marathon session. Going too long with some women can cause pain. This will be a huge turn off and she won’t be as anxious to have what feels like week long sex when she only wants a quickie.

2. Undressing first. Allow her to do a nice strip tease for you or slowly, erotically remove her clothing one piece at a time – kissing every part that you uncover. Don’t take your pants off first. Nothing changes the mood for most women than the sight of a man in his underwear and socks. It takes women longer to get their motor going so the longer you extend foreplay and stay dressed the more ready and wet she’ll be by the time you start your strip show.

3. Be Clean. Take a quick shower before you have sex. A really important issue is how you care for your hands. You don’t have to get a manicure, but at least use some lotion so you won’t hurt the delicate tissue when you insert fingers into her vagina. Keep your nails trimmed too because long or sharp nails can hurt.

4. Too Rough. Most women want a masculine, sexy man who is in control in bed, but they do not want a brute. Being too aggressive can be a turn off and turn her desire for you into fear. Let your passion flow, but don’t force it. Forget the movie scenes where they show passion as ripping clothes off and throwing her on the bed. Not only will you not hear from this woman again, but you may receive a bill for an expensive blouse.

If you have made it to first base with a woman, but then she’s not as eager to see you again, recheck this list!

I came across this post and had to share it with you. There aren’t tons of blogs that make me chuckle like I did when I read the last paragraph.

Cats and the Single Girl
Blog by Gwen Cooper

When you’re an unmarried woman over the age of 30, there are probably only so many cats you can have before people start referring to you as “the crazy cat lady.” I myself have three. On the occasions when somebody presses me to give a home to a fourth—and it’s always a sore temptation—I tend to respond by saying something such as: “I’m one cat away from being known as Old Widow Cooper….where the neighborhood kids walk by my house and throw rocks at my window, and say things like, That’s where Old Widow Cooper lives. She’s craaaaaazy…”

My best friend, Lisa, puts it more succinctly. “You’d be unfuckable,” she says.

My first two cats came into my home more than 10 years ago. At the time, I was living with the man I planned to marry. The two of us wanted pets, but felt that we didn’t have the time and attention to devote to a dog. So we got cats–and I am now heartily ashamed that I ever considered them a second choice. (Mommy loves you, babies!)

My third cat, Homer, was taken in after my ex-fiancé and I split and I’d ended up with sole custody of our feline offspring. Homer was only four weeks old, and had been abandoned at my vet’s office after a virulent eye infection had necessitated removal of both his eyes. My vet called with a long sad story–perfect for a cable movie, if only there were a station called Lifetime for Cats–about how nobody would take in this blind kitten. Not even the people on her list who had specifically expressed a wish to adopt handicapped cats.

Newly single at the time, I was of the strong opinion that it wasn’t in my best interests to take in a third. But I was practically sobbing by the end of the story. “I’ll come in and meet him,” I told my vet tearfully. “But I’m not promising anything.”

A pillar of fortitude I am…

Read the rest of the article on her blog at wiredberries.com.

Normally I don’t post news on this blog because I like to keep things as dating and relationship related as possible but I just can’t pass up including this story here.

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed emergency room with a vacuum attached to me,” Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

Now, how exciting was YOUR day?

Did you think I meant THAT F word? Oh no, deary me, I meant FRIDAY. If you’re unattached and lonely, you really dread the F word because it means the weekend is starting. You’ll be all alone (again) while all your friends and neighbors have someone to go out with, do chores with, run errands with and someone to have fun with.

I know you’re not always lonely, but if you dread Fridays, it’s time to change your attitude and get more out of life. Join a dating site, make some dates and then when you think of Fridays you’ll think of other things you can use the F word for.

• Fantastic
• Fun
• Fabulous
• First-Rate
• Fucking

So what are you waiting for? Time’s a wastin and you’re not gettin any younger!