I’ve been running an adult community website for over 13 years and I thought I’d seen every funny ad caused by a misspelled word. However, I would be wrong.

Today we got the newest all time funniest ad and the poor bloke who wrote it has no clue what he’s really said. I’m sure he meant nurtured but here’s the ad:

Women are a gift to us, they need to be cherished and neutered.

It gives a mental picture quite different from what he intended, doesn’t it?

My advice to anyone writing a profile or bio on the net to please, please, please read it before you close down the website. We all get interrupted mid-sentence from time to time and that’s when most of our goofiest mistakes happen. Also changing a sentence and then not proofreading it can provide a few moments of laughter at the writer’s expense.

Someone recently said something to me about relationships that too often a couple turn into a puppet and puppeteer. I asked what she meant by that and here’s what she said. It’s certainly food for thought. And could be a real deal.

A puppet has strings and its attached to a wooden holder that someone else controls. I think when you make the decision that the person you want more than anything in your life should be put on a pedestal like a prize you’ve won, you become the puppet and you emotionally turn the handle over to them. Everything they do pulls and tugs at your strings and thereby dictate your emotions and how you feel. It’s almost like you’re drawn to them by a huge magnet and can only survive if “they love you.”

When you’re the puppet your mind is fooled into believing that your happiness (or lack of it) is controlled by the person you are in love with. In your mind you make this person to be better than you, more attractive and nicer than they really are to you. It’s not their fault – you made them the puppeteer.

Sure there are jerks, pains in the ass and total bitches in the world who don’t care about other people’s feelings and they’ll stomp on your heart without any regret. Take a step back and remember that you chose to love them and you are the one who decided that this person meant so much to you. You didn’t listen to the voice inside that says, “this doesn’t feel good.” The voice is always there and it’s always right.

I asked if there was a way to stop this and was it only about romantic relationships. As she talked I instantly thought of other times in my life when I haven’t listened to the voice when it told me “this doesn’t feel good.”

Yes, the puppet and puppeteer can be romantic relationships, family ties or even who you consider to be your best friend.

“Let me ask you a question,” she said. Who is in charge of YOUR emotional happiness?”

“Who do you consider is better than you and who you should defer your happiness for?”

If you can list any names, then you can choose today to change your mind. Nobody is better than you and nobody should have control over your happiness. There are people with more degrees, more money, less money, better looks, worse looks – but nobody is better than someone else. It’s up to you to choose happiness or choose heartbreak. You don’t have to be a puppet or puppeteer. Life is much better dealing as equals.

Think she’s full of crap? I can look back in my life and see times that I was a puppet and a puppeteer. That there were times that I was the one pulling the strings and there were times also that the strings were on me.

Aretha Franklin said it for us in her song R E S P E C T. How do you get someone to respect you? I must get asked that question at least once a week. It goes along with why won’t people reply to emails, why won’t someone talk to you if you don’t have a photo on your profile and most often, why does someone think that because I’m on SexyAds that it’s okay to talk crudely to me? These key factors will help you to gain the respect you deserve.

* First you have to respect yourself. Don’t put up with any crap just to be with someone. It doesn’t matter how rich or attractive, if they don’t respect you, you don’t belong there. It’s far better to be alone than be mistreated.

* Show respect to your partner. Don’t be bossy or controlling and never ever put your partner down for any emotion he or she is feeling.

* Be your own person. If you live your life totally around another person with no interests of your own, then you are setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Nobody can be responsible for your happiness or for meeting all your needs. Create your own interests and pursue them with an eye to keeping a good balance in your life.

* Be Yourself. If the person you’re trying to get or keep in your life says they really like something, don’t toss yourself into it just so you can please them. It will all fall in a heap, I promise. One day you’ll realize that you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t worth all the effort you put into becoming who you aren’t. You’ll have wasted a lot of time you could have been spending with someone more compatible with who you are.

* Have sex when YOU’RE ready. Sure, it’s 2010 but there is no requirement that you have sex on the first date. Sure, if it’s something you’re comfortable with and you want, I say go for it, but if you’re doing it just so you can be sure of date #2, it’s a mistake. Waiting for sex until you’re sure might show that you’re worth the wait.

* If you’re answering ads on SexyAds (or any other site of an adult nature) you don’t have to be crude and write, “I’d love to come all over your tits,” as an introductory email. If you can’t say it to a stranger at the veggie stand, then it’s probably not going to work here either. The people are real, only their nicknames aren’t.

Respect is always a two-way street. If you’re a controlling bitch or bastard, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. If you’re a wimp who never stands up for him or herself, you’re probably not going to get a lot of respect. I am not trying to piss anyone off here but sometimes the truth hurts. Treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around.

Someone sent this to me today and it gave me a chuckle.

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one…

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice … I found I couldn’t stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there’s a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn’t know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn’t sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

I read an article the other day about a woman who believes that people in relationships should consider “contractual infidelity.” She went on about how a couple could discuss having sex with another partner and what the rules were. In her mind, sexual intercourse (hereafter called fucking) wasn’t a problem for her or her husband but spooning afterward was in the forbidden list. I suppose she’s saying that recreational sex is okay but if there is any emotional connection between her husband and another woman, then she’d be mightily pissed off.

My mind kept saying, “Get real, woman!” Unless we could write a contract between us as a couple that said you can fuck but not talk and you couldn’t fuck the same one twice because then there might be an emotional tie, it would be unworkable. Human nature does have a part to play in this sex business. The woman needs to realize that the way she met her husband and eventually married him is the same way her husband is going to meet other women and she’s going to meet other men. Why wouldn’t natural instincts of caring and even love develop between them?

Don’t misunderstand, I believe that everyone deserves a great sex life and I also believe that we go through life once and to live it always hankering for passion, intimacy and plain old fucking is wrong. I think infidelity comes from lack of attention, approval or sex-using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner loneliness. Lack of sexual satisfaction in the context of marriage is one reason why partners cheat. I think couples should discuss what will happen if one partner’s sex drive takes a dump. Should the partner who still feels sexy be required to sort out sexuality with a good right hand or a BOB ? It’s time humans realized that one person might not be able to meet a person’s needs physically or emotionally.

Would you sign an infidelity contract with your husband or partner? Would you prefer that your partner talk about his or her physical or emotional needs not being met before they found someone else to help? I would.